The Port

I have been debating long and hard about the pros and cons about taking round two of the chemotherapy. I took the first step toward actually going through with it yesterday by getting my port put in. I showed up at the hospital at 5:30 in the morning and got prepped for the procedure. I am told that having this port will make it way easier to administer the chemo treatments.

A couple of funny things happened during the prep process. The first is that my chest had to be shaved. Right now my chest looks like a big yard shared by two neighbors. The north neighbor is a meticulous groomer of his yard and mows regularly. The south neighbor does not own a mower and is more a fan of the “natural” look. Anyway, I think it's safe to say that my chest looks funny.

The other thing that happened was that when I got into the operating room I was slathered with iodine, and yes, I mean slathered. I now know what a pork roast feels like when it's getting barbequed. During the slathering process, I ended up with iodine all over my arms, shoulders, neck, and part of my face in addition to my chest. So to sum up, I am partially orange and partially hairless. I am not allowed to shower until tomorrow, so obviously, I have stayed out of the public eye today.

One thing that I wanted to talk about today is something that I read on facebook a couple days ago that was posted by Mike Llama. He talked about how hard it's been living without Gloria and how he is hesitant to talk about it because he thinks that people are tired of hearing about it. Cancer took Gloria just before Christmas.

I doubt that Mike reads this blog, but Mike if you do read it or if someone shares this with you, I just wanted to tell you that you don't need to grieve on anyone else's time but your own. I know that I've mentioned this before in various posts, but I lost my dad in a car accident when I was seven. Losing someone close to you doesn't just go away and you don't get over it all of a sudden. It takes a lot of time. After awhile, you may go an hour without thinking about your loss. Then, after awhile longer, you may go a whole morning or afternoon without thinking about her. There will probably never be an entire day when you go without thinking about her. I'll admit, there have been days that I haven't thought about my dad, but it's been nearly 40 years and I didn't have the same kind of relationship with him that you had with Gloria. I guess what I'm trying to say with all this is grieve at your own pace and if you want to talk about it, then talk about it. Talk to friends, or if it helps, maybe even start a blog about her. Thay way, people have the option to read if they want to and you always have an outlet. I know that mine has been a great outlet for my frustrations and a great way to confirm my beliefs about things when I'm having doubts.

Doubts like how this second round is going to go. There are several things about it that worry me, but the one that is weighing on me most right now is my job. I'm going back on the 21^st and I'm hoping that I'll be able to get through it. I know that there will be days when I'll feel terrible, maybe tired, maybe sick. I just don't know. The thing that really scares me though is the cold sensitivity thing because of where we live. No matter whether I'm able to work or not, there are still bills to be paid and groceries to be bought. I did pretty good with the first round though, and I'm hoping that round two goes as well as the first.

I started writing this on Tuesday and stopped. It's Wednesday now and I just got back from Walmart. It's cold today, but the sun is out. It's a beautiful day here except for the temperature. I took a few extra minutes outside because pretty soon, I won't be able to be outside any more than absolutely necessary. Another thing that I noticed was how many things felt cold while I was at the store. I walked past the popsicles that I like and thought about the things that were going to be off-limits. I won't be able to drink cold water, or even put my hand under the stream to feel if it's cold or the right temperature. I'll have to wear gloves most of the time and I've got to find some sort of ski mask for my walk in to work from the car to the main building and then from the main building to the housing unit that I work in.

The thing that bothers me most about all of this is the fact that I probably won't be able to watch my daughter Callie play softball as much as I want to. A lot of her games will be played in some pretty cold weather, and that's not good for me. I have coached her since she started playing t-ball and I love doing it. I'm going to miss that terribly this summer.

There are going to be some dark days ahead for me. I don't say that to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but reality is reality. There are days when I'm going to forget what I can't do and I'm going to pay for those slips. It will get better though. I will be able to do the things that I want to do again. I'll be able to drink what I want, touch what I want, and not have to worry about whether or not it's going to hurt. Oh yeah, and I'll be able to coach Callie again.

I Will Win