Dear Cancer,
I am happy to announce to you that our
time together is coming to an end. I took my last chemo treatment
yesterday and by tomorrow around noon, the pump will come off for the
last time. That will mark the end of our nearly year-long
relationship and with all due respect, good riddance.
I still remember the day that I found
out for sure that you had taken up residence with me. I wasn't
overly surprised when I found out, as I had noticed some clues that I
might have a house guest. I never doubted that your stay would be
relatively short though, and we took quick action to begin the
eviction process.
You were not a very accommodating
guest. You cost me more than you can ever repay. Nearly a year of
my life has been spent with you in the forefront of every decision
made in this household. Trips have been canceled or put on hold, a
new vehicle is currently on hold due to the uncertainty of my
upcoming surgery and financial uncertainty because of that. Even
more unforgivable, you have made my wife take on the role of
caregiver. She had given up a year of her life to take care of me.
She has never complained about it, but she has not made a choice for
herself for a long time and I look forward to the upcoming day that
she can make a decision based on something that she wants and not
something that I need. I have never wanted to get out and mow the
grass so bad in my life and part of it is because it kills me to be
sitting here on the couch watching her work her ass off pushing the
mower around the yard. The most I've been able to manage is to go
out and water the flowers as far as yard work goes. I tried to push
the mower once while she was gone and it felt like I was pushing a
front end loader around. The mowing attempt was short-lived.
You have also taken away from my kids.
I love coaching my daughter Callie and that was taken away from me
this year. When this first started, I had a pipe dream that I might
still be able to coach. I was quickly disabused of this notion when
the chemo started and my body started to suffer a little bit. My
legs began to get weak and everything else had to get pushed aside to
make sure that I still had the energy to keep working. This also
affected my ability to do things with my youngest daughter Abbie.
She loves to play catch and have me pitch to her and to play
basketball with me. I have been able to play catch a couple times
with her, but the physical toll it takes is incredible to me. I have
played catch with her just twice since this started and both times,
it took me more than a day to completely shake off the effects of
chasing down a bad throw or bend down to get the ball. She threw one
to me that was wide right and when I lunged for it, my legs told me
that I was going to fall. The strength simply wasn't there to regain
my balance and stop myself. I managed to throw a hand down to keep
myself from completely going down, but it was not a good feeling. We
haven't played catch since then. She felt bad about it, and I was
surprised and embarrassed at my lack of strength. I knew the legs
were weak, but it hit me then just how weak I was. Cancer, this is
simply unforgivable.
My son Andrew has some exciting stuff
going on right now as well. He is doing a great job battling his
anxiety regarding driver's training, and he has started his first
real job and is thriving. He is learning to expand his horizons and
is finding it easier to interact with people. I have been forced to
watch this from the sidelines as well. I have taken picked him up
from work a few times and we have even gone driving a couple times so
that he could practice. As fun as this has been, I still feel like
I'm not as available to him as I would be had you not shown up. So
there's one more reason that you must go.
Lastly, my brother Graham and my buddy
Erick came up and sat with Kelly and I during my last treatment
yesterday and I cannot even begin to express my gratitude to them for
taking time out of their lives to come and celebrate with us. We
went to lunch after at the Keyhole in Mackinaw City, which is one of
my favorite places. Graham asked about possibly canoeing on Sunday
and while I was initially excited about it, I have to call him today
and see if there's something else we can do because quite honestly,
I'm afraid of the chance that the canoe might capsize and with my
legs being what they are at the moment, the thought of being in
moving water is not very appealing to me. Yet another decision made
by my unwelcome guest.
Once you are gone, I will begin to
rehab my legs. It will take time because the chemo will still be in
my body for up to a month after Thursday. I will then be looking at
surgery to reverse the osteomy and that will take a toll as well.
But make no mistake about it, I will return to what I was and then I
will be better than I was.
I can't say that this war is completely
over, for to do so would go against everything I believe regarding tempting
fate, karma and whatever other forces moniter declarations like that.
I know that there is a chance that you could come back and we'd have
to play this little game all over again. But should you make this
choice Cancer, know you this. The result will be the same. You will
be discovered, beaten, and evicted again.
But as of today, right now, this battle
is over.
Suck it Cancer.
I Win
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
One more time
One more to go. The only announcement
that will make me happier than that right now will come in two weeks
when I can say that I'm done. We had a little snag today as Kelly
and I forgot to bring the pump to St. Ignace. Not a huge deal, we
just had to drive back up to the Sault and have it hooked up at War
Memorial Hospital.
I have mentioned a lot of people in my posts, all of whom are important to me. There are a ton of people that are important to me that I didn't mention and I apologize for that. At some point, I hope to be able to talk more about the people who are important in my life and give them credit (or blame) as the case may be for their influence on my life.
Three people that I wanted to mention briefly and certainly merit a post dedicated entirely to them because of the things that I've learned from them are Pat, Todd, and Brian. Pat taught me that there was more to life than the little box that I had created for myself. He broadened my horizons and showed me a world that I knew existed, but had no interest in. You have my sincere thanks for that Pat, as a lot of my interests today have roots in the things that you introduced me to. Todd is a lot of things to me, but I think that his biggest role in my life has been that of a moral compass. He has helped me through several tough times in my life and has always been there with solid advice and friendship that is constant and steadfast. Brian gets credit for teaching me that sometimes rules need to be broken and getting into trouble is not always a bad thing. Every time I see the movie History of the World Part 1, I think of Brian. Like I said, these words are just a brief sample of my experiences with these guys and there is a lot more to all of them than I'm saying here.
I have talked a lot about my past in this blog, and I think a lot of that had to do with the fear I was feeling about how this whole deal was going to turn out. I'm certainly not trying to tempt fate or anything, but I think maybe it's time I started talking about the future.
Having cancer has changed me in a lot of ways. It has made me appreciate the things that I have and the people in my life and it has also made me wonder if I've gotten everything that I can out of life so far. When I was first diagnosed, I asked myself if I had done everything I wanted to do and I found out that the answer was a resounding no. There are big-ticket things on the list to be sure, but also plenty of things that most people would consider “everyday” stuff.
For example, one of the big ticket things is to take a trip to Scotland. I don't know if it will ever happen or not, but I hope so. A more attainable goal that I have is to try egg-nog this holiday season. I have never had the guts to try it before, but this is going to be the year. My courage only goes so far though. My wife ordered a veggie-burger for lunch today and tried to get me to take a bite. It will be awhile before I can make myself try that. I mean, if you want me to eat vegetables, put a vegetable in front of me. If I want you to try a bratwurst, I'm not going to try and dress it up like a stalk of broccoli.
Some of the things I have coming up are my last treatment of course, which happens on June 24th. I also have to go back to Detroit and have a pre-op appointment so that I can have my osteomy reversed. During that pre-op visit, they are going to do another flexible sigmoid-oscopy. (I have no idea if that's spelled right, but that's how I say it.) I suspect that that will be the most uncomfortable part of the whole process. There is a part of the movie History of the World Part 1, which I mentioned earlier The part I'm referring to happens in Rome during the reign of Caesar. A head honcho in the Roman Army is placing Gregory Hines and Mel Brooks under arrest and is asking the citizens if anyone knows what the punishment for their crime is. (I can't remember what exactly the crime was) A member of the mob says that the punishment is to shove a living snake up their ass. It's not the correct answer, but I think that single phrase might be what inspired the the flexible sigmoid-oscopy. I'll get through it though as that will be the last step prior to the surgery which will mark the end of my bodily “accessories.”
If this battle were a basketball game, we are in the fourth quarter with about two minutes left. I have a 15-point lead and the ball. Warm up the bus cancer, cuz this game is almost over.
I Will Win
I have mentioned a lot of people in my posts, all of whom are important to me. There are a ton of people that are important to me that I didn't mention and I apologize for that. At some point, I hope to be able to talk more about the people who are important in my life and give them credit (or blame) as the case may be for their influence on my life.
Three people that I wanted to mention briefly and certainly merit a post dedicated entirely to them because of the things that I've learned from them are Pat, Todd, and Brian. Pat taught me that there was more to life than the little box that I had created for myself. He broadened my horizons and showed me a world that I knew existed, but had no interest in. You have my sincere thanks for that Pat, as a lot of my interests today have roots in the things that you introduced me to. Todd is a lot of things to me, but I think that his biggest role in my life has been that of a moral compass. He has helped me through several tough times in my life and has always been there with solid advice and friendship that is constant and steadfast. Brian gets credit for teaching me that sometimes rules need to be broken and getting into trouble is not always a bad thing. Every time I see the movie History of the World Part 1, I think of Brian. Like I said, these words are just a brief sample of my experiences with these guys and there is a lot more to all of them than I'm saying here.
I have talked a lot about my past in this blog, and I think a lot of that had to do with the fear I was feeling about how this whole deal was going to turn out. I'm certainly not trying to tempt fate or anything, but I think maybe it's time I started talking about the future.
Having cancer has changed me in a lot of ways. It has made me appreciate the things that I have and the people in my life and it has also made me wonder if I've gotten everything that I can out of life so far. When I was first diagnosed, I asked myself if I had done everything I wanted to do and I found out that the answer was a resounding no. There are big-ticket things on the list to be sure, but also plenty of things that most people would consider “everyday” stuff.
For example, one of the big ticket things is to take a trip to Scotland. I don't know if it will ever happen or not, but I hope so. A more attainable goal that I have is to try egg-nog this holiday season. I have never had the guts to try it before, but this is going to be the year. My courage only goes so far though. My wife ordered a veggie-burger for lunch today and tried to get me to take a bite. It will be awhile before I can make myself try that. I mean, if you want me to eat vegetables, put a vegetable in front of me. If I want you to try a bratwurst, I'm not going to try and dress it up like a stalk of broccoli.
Some of the things I have coming up are my last treatment of course, which happens on June 24th. I also have to go back to Detroit and have a pre-op appointment so that I can have my osteomy reversed. During that pre-op visit, they are going to do another flexible sigmoid-oscopy. (I have no idea if that's spelled right, but that's how I say it.) I suspect that that will be the most uncomfortable part of the whole process. There is a part of the movie History of the World Part 1, which I mentioned earlier The part I'm referring to happens in Rome during the reign of Caesar. A head honcho in the Roman Army is placing Gregory Hines and Mel Brooks under arrest and is asking the citizens if anyone knows what the punishment for their crime is. (I can't remember what exactly the crime was) A member of the mob says that the punishment is to shove a living snake up their ass. It's not the correct answer, but I think that single phrase might be what inspired the the flexible sigmoid-oscopy. I'll get through it though as that will be the last step prior to the surgery which will mark the end of my bodily “accessories.”
If this battle were a basketball game, we are in the fourth quarter with about two minutes left. I have a 15-point lead and the ball. Warm up the bus cancer, cuz this game is almost over.
I Will Win
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