Dear Kelly Church

Hey Baby, I just wanted to let you know that everything is going to turn out fine today. I know in some ways, this is going to be a lot worse for you than it will be for me.  Right now, you're sitting in the waiting room wondering how much longer it's going to be and I'm just laying around stressing you out like usual.  It's not to bad back here really.  There's lots of people in and out and I think the doctor just ordered pizza.  Hopefully he's getting Jets although nobody asked what I wanted.

I hope you're listening to the playlist I made for you.  All the songs on there are supposed to give you the message that this is going to be a piece of cake and it'll be over with before you know it.

I had intended to write you a much longer letter, but typing under heavy sedation is not the easiest thing in the world. So just hang tough and I'll be out soon enough.

I love you so much can't wait to feel your hand on mine when I wake up

TTMAB

Your husband

Learning opportunities

So, the last few days have been a little bit of a learning experience for me. As the surgery date gets closer, I have been experiencing a couple of different emotions. Part of me is excited to get this part of it over with. I don't know if this is actually the case or not, but I've been looking at the surgery as the big hurdle to beating this thing. The other emotion is somewhere on the scale between nervousness and terror. I've talked in previous posts about the “what if” factor and that is still alive and strong, especially as Monday gets closer.

I got to take part in an event on Tuesday night that was a little overwhelming. Every year, the Sault and Brimley play a basketball game with a lot events around it that are designed to help the Hospice House and the Road To Recovery van for Chippewa County. It is officially called Rivals vs. Cancer, but a lot of people just call it The Pink Game. The location rotates between Sault Ste. Marie and Brimley every year and this year, it was the Sault's turn to host it. The people behind the event do a really good job of getting everything together. There is a big tailgate dinner prior to the games, a silent auction, T-Shirts representing the event, a 50-50 drawing (Which Kelly Church won and donated $120 of her winnings back to the Road To Recovery van), and a half court shot contest (Kelly did not win that, but no one else did either so the money went to Hospice).

My surgery was supposed to be the Monday before the Pink Game, but I asked them to put it off a week, knowing that I wanted to go to this game. Not so much for the events around it, but for the game itself. Shane is a senior this year, and his team (Brimley) has held its own, winning last year and holding their own in previous games.

I got a surprise a few days prior to the game as one of the kids I coached a couple years ago on the freshman team called me and asked if I'd walk with him at the Pink Game. Between the two games, players from all the teams walk with an escort in honor of someone or in memory of someone. They get sponsors to raise money for the cause and typically, the escorts are people who have cancer or have beaten it. Jeff Monck was the player who I escorted. He is one of the rare players who makes it all the way to the varsity from the freshman team and not only did Jeff make the team, he is a starter this season. Jeff and I have a little history as he had decided that he wasn't going to play his sophomore year. I found about it and called him. We talked about his decision and the reasons behind it. I didn't order him to play or anything, but pointed out some of the reasons that he should stick it out. He eventually decided to stay and totally committed to it. He spent all summer in the gym and between last summer and this summer, he has dropped 40 pounds and has made himself into a solid player. To say that I'm proud of him would be an understatement.

Anyway, Kelly had contacted Bill Schomberg, the Sault varsity coach and approached him about sponsoring Jeff for the game. So getting to walk out at halftime was cool, but getting to walk out with Jeff was what made it special for me.

 

It was a little overwhelming. Jeff and I were pretty close to the front of the line so we got to be out in the gym as most of the other players came in with their escorts. As I stood there, watching all the people come out, I began to notice that there were a lot of people walking in memory of someone. It was a very sobering experience to listen to the emcee announce all of that. I remember hearing the applause when Jeff and I were announced, but the coolest moment was when Sault High student Jessica Jorgensen was announced. She is battling Leukemia and the round of applause she received was deafening.

If I'm being honest, and I have tried to be throughout this blog, I have to admit that in years past, I've always looked at the events between the games as time consuming. I love watching basketball and usually have to go to work after the games, so when the games go long, it means that I have to hurry in order to get to work on time. I can tell you that you get a new perspective on it when you become a part of the battle. It becomes more personal and the events surrounding the game become more than than a side note. I hope that no one else ever has to learn that lesson, but I did.

My other learning experience came the following day. Kelly and I had been talking about Durable Power of Attorney documents to make sure that we had all of our bases covered, but up until Wednesday, it had all been talk. Kelly contacted one of our neighbors who is an attorney and she drew them up and dropped them off to Kelly at her work. It's funny how taking care of paperwork that is designed to go into effect only if something goes wrong can make you focus on all the things that could go wrong. Kelly and I went down to the Clerk's office to sign the papers in front of witnesses and have them notarized. I would rather have been getting a root canal than standing there trying to act like this didn't bother me. I know that it's in mine and Kelly's best interests to get it done, but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier to face the prospect that something bad could happen and you are acknowledging that possibility to the point that you are doing paperwork in case it does.

As the day draws closer, I find that my nerves show a little bit more. For example, the fact that I can't help my daughter Abbie with her science project (which was going to be a catapult), because of the timing of the surgery, is pissing me off to no end. I also lost one of our debit cards Wednesday evening and nearly gave myself a stroke trying to remember where I had put it. Kelly came to the rescue though, when she found it outside in the snow between the house and the garage. Why I would have set it there, I have no idea.

Along with the nerves and the minor bouts of panic, there are glimmers of hope too. Hope that the worst will be behind me and that life will go on as usual for a long, long time. “Just get through this,” I keep telling myself. “Just get through the chemo and radiation,” “Just get through the surgery.” “Just get through the last round of chemo after the surgery.” Even though I keep telling myself that, I plan to do more than just get through it. I plan to thrive after this business is done. I realized the other night at the Pink Game that the best of me is yet to come. So many people came together at that event to make a difference. I plan to make a difference as well.

I Will Win

Lists and wishes

So, I know that you’re probably thinking that this is way too soon for another post. They are usually a lot more spread out. This is true, but I was reading something last night that got me thinking, and for me, writing is what usually follows thinking.

I was reading the book Rainbow Six by Tom Clancy (great book, by the way. I think this is the third time I’ve read it) and towards the end, a son is born to one of the main characters and his wife. Shortly after the birth, the man (Domingo Chavez) starts re-evaluating his life and things he wants for himself and his family.

When you read something like that, I think there’s a natural tendency to evaluate the things in your own life and what you’d like as compared to where you are. This is not to say that anyone should look at their current life with any sort of negative connotation as compared to what they’d like their life to be. It’s just natural, I think, for the human brain to constantly be updating a mental wish list.

I had someone tell me once that I could never be satisfied with anything, that I didn’t enjoy the things that I had for two seconds before I wanted the next thing. Like most things in life, I would have to say that this is partially true, but not in the sense that the person meant it.

If I were to die tomorrow, I could do so perfectly happy with the material things that I have right now. Does this mean that there isn’t anything that I’d like to have? Of course not. There are lots of material things that I would love to own. I’ll list some of them for you.

1- I’d love to drive a brand new Ford F-150 with all the options on it. It would be a deep blue with leather seats and of course it would be 4-wheel drive.

2- I’d love to have an x-box 1 to play with.

3- I would really like to have a stable of snowmobiles to ride around on with my family.

4- I want a golf cart in the worst way. But not some generic one. As long as I’m wishing, I’d want a red one that looks like a mini sports car or something like that.

These are all things that I may never end up having and honestly, I’m just fine with that. The things that I have now keep me more than occupied and more than happy.

The list above is what the person was referring to when mentioning my inability to be satisfied, and like I said, while I’d love to have those things, I’m doing just fine without them.

There is another list though of things that I am not satisfied with. It is this list that I will not be happy with until I have a lot more check marks on it than I currently have. Some of the items on it may seem materialistic, in fact, some of them are extremely materialistic, but the difference is, they’re not for me. This list is longer than the first by far.

1- I want to hold a grandchild in my arms before I’m done here. And not any time soon, mind you, but I would like that feeling very much.

2- I want to outlive my mother. I know, this sounds like a jackass thing to say and it probably is, but let me explain. In my life, I have watched grandparents on both sides of my family bury one of their children. It’s not something that I’d wish on anyone, least of all my own mother.

3- I have watched three of my children celebrate their 16^th birthday. There’s two left to hit this milestone and I’m going to be pissed if I miss out on the cake and ice cream for either of them. Kelly Church makes a mean Texas sheet cake.

4- In the spirit of No. 3, I have three daughters who I’d like to attend weddings for. I realize that in this day and age, that may not come to pass, but it’s something that I would enjoy. Two of these daughters will be mine to walk down the aisle and have the father-daughter dance with, while the oldest (my stepdaughter), will bring me every bit as much joy just by my being there to watch her big day. And while I don’t consider myself old-fashioned in too many ways, I would prefer that No. 4 on this list happens before No. 1.

5- I would like to live at least a year of my life in the black. Debt free that is. People say it’s pretty cool.

6- In direct contradiction to No. 5, I would like to give my wife a ring. And not just any ring, I’m talking about THE ring. The one that makes a woman’s breath quicken just a bit. When we got married, I gave her the ring that my dad gave to my mom, and I think that was a pretty cool moment for us. We picked out a ring together that has five stones on it, one for each of the kids. And she has one that her grandmother gave to her. But I’d like to get her one someday in the more traditional sense of picking it out myself and surprising her with it. The other ones are extremely special in that they have connections to other people in our lives, but I would like for there to be one that is only shared by the two of us.

There are lots more things on this list, but I just went back and read it and it seems pretty demanding so I think I’ll just stop there for now.

To close this out, I just want to include a message to the parasite living in me that is trying to suck the years from my life.

You can’t have me yet cancer. There are grandbabies I have to meet, weddings I have to attend and gifts that I have yet to be able to afford to give out. There may be a day when I won’t have the strength or the will to hold you off or get rid of you. Today is not that day. I will be rid of you soon and you will not be invited back.

I Will Win

Christmas with the Church family

Well, as of today, surgery is 20 days away. I spent my morning yesterday at the hospital here in the Sault getting a few pre-operative tests done and everything seems to have gone ok. I had to get some blood drawn, an EKG, and a chest x-ray. It went surprisingly quick.

We had our Church family Christmas this past weekend which is always one of my favorite events of the year. My brothers and our families all gather at my mom's house in St. Helen and celebrate the holiday. We usually do it before Christmas, but this year, it just worked out better for everyone to do it after. I'll admit, I wasn't thrilled about doing it after Christmas was over, just because I enjoy the build-up to the holiday and I didn't think that sense of excitement would be there with the big day already in the rear-view mirror. As it turns out, it may have worked out better this way because there was a sense of relaxation that isn't usually there. There was no pressure of things that still had to be done before Christmas, no last minute gifts to be bought and no stress about anything. It was just our family enjoying a weekend together.

My youngest brother Clay, had been trying to organize a tubing outing at Hanson Hills in Grayling. They way they do it is you pay $10 per person for an hour of tubing. I confess, that despite telling Clay to count us in, I was not overly excited about going. It was supposed to be warmer than the previous few days, but still cold. The kids were all looking forward to going though so off we went. I felt really bad because my wife's snowpants came up missing and she ended up not being able to tube. I give her a lot of credit though. She was a good sport about the whole thing and hung out by the fire pit at the bottom of the hill and took pictures and videos of us going down the hill. We had a lot of fun and it's definitely something I would do again. Thanks Clay for making that happen.

My wife Kelly is behind the camera, and my son Andrew is with his grandma helping to clean the church.  Sydney, my stepdaughter is at school in Indiana.  This was a really good time and something I'd be happy to do again.

My son Andrew didn't want to go tubing and although I was a little bummed, I can't say that I blame him. His reluctance comes from a sledding outing when he was a little kid. We went to a hill near his mom's house which is fairly steep and well used. Someone who had been there before us had built a huge jump near the bottom of the hill, right in the middle. Andrew's first run down the hill started out pretty funny. For whatever reason, he kept running into these little ridges on the hill and he looked sort of like a live plinko chip heading down the hill. About halfway down, I could see what was going to happen, but was powerless to stop it. The ridges were funneling him right into line with the jump at the bottom. At that time, Andrew was not very coordinated and had no idea how to slow himself down or how to simply roll off the sled. He hit that jump at a high rate of speed and went damn near 10 feet in the air. The sled shot out from under him and he landed flat on his back. I thought for sure he had a concussion or had seriously hurt his back. Luckily though, he just had the wind knocked out of him, but the sledding trip was definitely over. Since then, outdoor winter activities have not exactly been his favorite thing. My mom and aunt went in to St. Helen to clean the church while we were gone tubing and Andrew volunteered to help them so I'm glad that he had that time with his grandma and aunt.

The tubing trip happened on Saturday afternoon. On Friday, we had dinner up at Grandma's house. Mom made a couple of roasted chickens and all the trimmings. After dinner, we went back to mom's house and hung out and ended up playing a board game called Apples to Apples after the younger kids went to bed. It's a fun game and we made it more fun in the Church style of board games which involves a lot of fun teasing and trash talk. I was waiting for Kelly and Shane to get there because Shane had a basketball game in Mackinaw City which ended up going into triple overtime, so they didn't get there until much later in the evening. (Ami, I did some double checking just to make sure we weren't teasing you for nothing, and I'm sorry to tell you, Jupiter is, in fact, still categorized as a planet) Sydney had to be back to school and wasn't able to be there for the festivities. We missed you Syd!

On Saturday morning, mom made breakfast for everyone and after that, we opened gifts. I got to be Santa Claus and hand out all the presents. It was so much fun watching all the kids open their gifts up and laugh and smile as they tore up paper and looked over their new stuff.

I caught myself a couple of times, trying to step back a little bit and take it all in. Like I was trying to take a mental snapshot that I could hold onto. I feel like sometimes that we (people in general) look at moments and scenes like that as something to be tolerated instead of treasured. I feel lucky to have the family that I do, because looking around that room in those moments, I felt like we were all feeling the same thing. Not tolerance, but actual happiness and enjoyment. That's what made it feel special for me.

After the previously tubing trip on Saturday, we all gathered at Grandma's house again and had a very good spaghetti dinner. Mom did the majority of cooking for the weekend and it was all fantastic.

My brother Graham bought a pair of snomobiles a couple years ago and although they are a source of frustration for him at times, I'm glad that he got them. He went out after dinner and got them running and asked if I wanted to come out and ride them a little. The kids love to be pulled behind them in the sled and Shane did a great job of pulling them around. Graham also found a great deal on a mini-snomobile for Taylor and I convinced Abbie to get on it and drive it a little. After a couple of hesitant loops around the driveway, she found her comfort zone and was trying to convince me that we needed one of those.

At one point, I looked over at Graham while everyone was on or being pulled by a snomobile and there was a look of satisfaction on his face that made me happy for him. Shortly after that, he came up to me and after a couple minutes of conversation, he said to me “This is what I bought these for. I like to see everyone having a good time riding them.”

Soon after that, everyone started packing up and pulling out. I helped Graham get the snomobiles loaded up and put away and everyone got on the road to head back to their respective homes. I had a great time and can't wait to do it again next year.

I Will Win