One Year Later

Everyone has dates in their lives that they will remember forever. Anniversarys, birthdays, personal milestones and the like. Sometimes the events that spark these memories are happy occasions, and other times they are not. Either way, we remember. September has several dates that are significant for me. I was married on September 9^th, my brother Clay's birthday is September 4^th, and who can forget the tragic events that occurred on September 11^th. There's also one other September date that stands out for me.

One year ago today, I found myself lying in a hospital bed in War Memorial Hospital and seeing my wife's eyes lined with tears as she told me that the doctor had found cancer inside me during a colonoscopy. The last year has been a long, arduous ordeal, full of discomfort and frustration.

Despite what I've gone through, I've learned some valuable lessons about myself and about life in general. I've learned what it's like to have someone in my life who genuinely cares more about my well being than her own, and I've learned that the world doesn't stop just because you're going through something.

On Monday, I will return to Detroit Henry Ford Hospital for what will hopefully be the final procedure in my story. The surgery will be to reverse the ostoemy that was put on me during the first surgery. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to not having that thing attached to me any more.

I had an “interesting” episode at work on Friday night because of it. I was sitting at my desk and I smelled something bad. I couldn't figure out what it was at first. Then I looked down and noticed the wet spot on the front of my shirt. At that point I knew what the smell was. The seal on the ostoemy bag had broken and it was leaking. I went to the staff bathroom to see if I could get cleaned up and stay at work. The reason I wanted to stay was because there was a holiday in the pay period. We get paid time and a half for the holiday unless we use any kind of leave during the pay period. If I left, I would have to use sick leave which would nullify my holiday pay. We can also comp the holiday, which was what I had planned to do to build up time for my surgery. Leaving cost me the six hours for the rest of the night, plus the 12 hours that I would have gotten for the holiday. Anyway, when I got to the bathroom, I shut the door and flipped on the light switch only to find out that the light bulb was gone. I had to walk back down to the office and get a flashlight and head back down to the bathroom, none of which was helping my situation. By the time I had gotten back to the bathroom, the bag was nearly completely off and I knew that there was no way I'd be able to stay the rest of the night. And cleaning myself up with essentially a nightlight on was no picnic either. I did the best I could and left. It was a fairly embarrassing ordeal. I had to get my wife out of bed when I got home to help me change the bag and then I had to take a shower. Luckily this kind of thing has only happened the one time in a public setting, and let me tell you, once is enough for me.

Something kind of funny just happened as I was writing this. I have been watching a show on Ed. It was on NBC a few years ago. I never watched the show while it was actually running, but I have been watching the episodes on You Tube. The premise of the show is that Ed loses his job at a New York City contract law firm and when he goes home to tell his wife about it, he finds her in bed with the mailman. He moves back home and ends kissing the girl that he pined for in high school. He kisses her at the bowling alley and decides to buy it because he believes it's some kind of sign. He opens his own law practice and works out of the bowling alley. There are a lot of things about the show that I like. I won't bore you with what draws me to the show, but I will tell you that I have no desire to be a lawyer or run a bowling alley. Anyway, I digress. The thing about the episode I was watching is Ed has a client who wants a name change and when asked why, he replies “life is too short to be someone that you don't want to be.” Along with the name change, he changes his look completely. Ed suspects there is more to the story and decides to go on a stakeout with Carol. They follow the man but nothing is revealed. Later in the episode, a woman comes to visit Ed and claims to be the man's wife. She tells Ed that her husband was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer and when he was told about it he simply said to the doctor, “you have the wrong guy.” He changed his name, his look and tried to leave his life behind completely in an effort to avoid the reality of his situation. That was a pretty creative solution. His name was George Murphy, and he became Rick Van Stratton. The show ends with George (Rick) coming to his senses and going back to his wife to spend what little time that had left together. Luckily, my situation is not that dire, but if I were to change my name, I think I'd change it to hmmmm, that's harder than I thought. I'm taking suggestions for what I could change my name to. Certain people are not allowed to submit suggestions, and you all know who you are.

With any luck, my cancer story is nearing its end. One more surgery, and one CT scan. I've always said that hopefully by Christmas this will all be nothing but a funny story and a memory. I don't know how funny the story will end up being, but it there's no doubt in my mind that I'll never forget it.

I Will Win

Mowing grass and taking names

Note: This entry was meant to be posted on August 27th, but that didn't quite happen. So when I refer to the weekend, it does not mean Labor Day weekend, but the weekend prior

Have you ever heard of the phenomenon in which something you remembered as being huge as a child looks significantly smaller as an adult? Things like a creek that look like a mere trickle of water as an adult or a Little League field that looked huge as a kid that now seem barely more than a fenced in infield? I experienced the opposite of this over the weekend. My Grandma’s yard has always been big, but I used to mow it with the tractor when I was a kid and it always seemed to go pretty quickly. Kelly, the kids and I went down there this past weekend to take care of the yards and it seemed more like mowing a hay field than a lawn.

My grandma is 91 years old and has had both hips replaced. She has a hard time getting around as it is and lately it’s gotten worse. She is very stubborn and insists that she doesn’t need to use a walker or anything other than a cane. She has fallen a couple times in the past few weeks and after the most recent one, she started having some severe pain in her right hip. My mom and aunt took her to the emergency room in West Branch and were essentially turned away after being told that nothing was wrong and that it was arthritis. The pain continued and got worse. They went back to West Branch and this time, the same doctor that shut them down the first time prescribed some pain killers that didn’t work. They did take x-rays but they didn’t reveal any broken bones so nothing was done. My grandma was in enough pain to want to go to the ER and then to be admitted into the hospital. She is a pretty tough old lady who enjoys a trip to the doctor about as much as most of us enjoy a good rectal exam (personal experience speaking there).

From there it was a trip to her family doctor. He knows Grandma better and knows that she wouldn’t complain unless the pain was pretty severe. He ordered an MRI at West Branch which they promptly scheduled….9 FREAKING DAYS LATER! Don’t worry about that pain Grandma. I’m sure the next nine days of agony will go by quickly. Idiots.

My mom got on the phone with Grayling Mercy Hospital and got the MRI scheduled the next day. The results just came in on Monday. She has been diagnosed with Spinal Stenosis. This (I have been told), is a narrowing of the spinal column. What has happened is that a nerve has been pushed outside the spinal column and is now being pinched as the column continues to narrow. This is causing the pain. She has been referred to a neurosurgeon. I’m not sure what the cure is for this or even if there is one. Because of her age, surgery is kind of out of the question, so hopefully there’s a therapy or something that can provide some relief.

Probably the only people that would enjoy the relief more than Grandma are my mom and my Aunt Kay. They have taken turns staying with her at night and have basically become live in nurses for Grandma. They do everything in shifts so that there is always someone there with Grandma. This has led to a lack of ability to take care of things at their own houses. My Uncle Donnie came up from Mississippi to help with things and I’m sure that his sisters are glad for the help.

We went down on Saturday morning to mow the lawns. It had been awhile since anyone has had five minutes of free time to do anything with them so the grass was long. Because of my legs I took the riding mower and Kelly took a push behind weed whacker that she used to get the ditch back under control. I was proud of the kids too. Callie was a beast with the push mower, doing the majority of Grandma’s back yard by hand. I can promise you, that is no small feat. Andrew had the weed whip and took care of the trim work before taking a turn pushing the mower, and Abbie worked hard with a leaf blower, getting the driveway and sidewalks cleaned off before getting a broom and sweeping off the deck. It made me feel good to be helping out mom and Aunt Kay, and made me feel good to see the kids putting forth that kind of effort with no complaint. Kelly took over for me on the rider after I had gotten Grandma’s and Aunt Kay’s front yards mowed. I had worked Friday night and had not slept, so I went back and took a short nap at mom’s house. We had originally planned to spend the weekend out in Barbeau with some friends, but Kelly suggested that we go and help out. This is one of the reasons that I love her. Her willingness to help a family that has only fairly recently come into her life makes me know that choosing her and being chosen by her is a blessing.

I don’t envy my mom or my aunt in what they have to do right now. It’s hard work to take care of someone ‘round the clock, especially when the patient is in pain. Mom and Aunt Kay, I just want you to know that your work is appreciated by everyone who calls her Great Grandma, Grandma, mom or simply friend. Thank-you!

On Sunday, we decided to take the kids to the Renaissance Festival. Kelly and I like to go and Andrew and Callie have been dying to try a turkey leg from there. I’ll relate that story in a couple of days as both of my brothers and their kids were able to make it on the short notice that we gave them and it led to some funny moments.

One quick update on me: My surgery was originally scheduled for October 20th, but we have bumped it up to September 22nd.

I Will Win

Lions and Tigers and flexible sigmoidoscopies, Oh My!

The past couple days have been a series of ups and downs for me. I had a test scheduled in Novi on Wednesday to see if I was ready for the last surgery in my ordeal. The test is called a flexible sigmoidoscopy, which is basically a conscious colonoscopy. It's not necessarily a painful procedure, although the level of discomfort is so high that it may as well be painful. Like the first time I had this test, they had a big TV mounted in the direction I was facing and they asked me if I wanted to watch what the scope was seeing. I declined. It's hard enough to know what's going on without having to watch it as well.

Anyway, the results of the test were good. I have healed completely from the initial removal of the tumor and there was no sign of cancer or any infection at the surgery site. So that's definitely positive news. After posting this, I am going to get on the phone with the surgeon's office and see about scheduling the reversal for Oct. 20^th. That gives me some time to build some leave time from work and the date works best for Kelly's work as well.

I was given some orders from the doctor to be followed before the surgery date. I have to exercise my legs more than I have been, and I have to lose a few pounds. This also involves making sure that I keep a really good handle on my sugar. As dumb as it sounds, this will be the hardest part for me. I eat when I'm stressed or nervous or even bored. In short, I eat a lot. I have to learn to not shove food in my mouth every time the opportunity presents itself.

After the test was completed, we got back in the car and Kelly informed me that we were going to go to Allendale to watch some of Lion's training camp. It was great! We got to get a look at all the players, and the place where we were standing was right where the corners and safeties were working on drills. I could have reached out and touched Darius Slay and Glover Quinn as they came right up to the edge of the roped off area. I wanted to get close to Matt Stafford and watch them run plays, but they were in an area where the public couldn't get to. We didn't stay for the whole practice, but it was something I'll never forget.

We were both hungry when we got to the Lion's facility as I couldn't eat after dinner the night before and Kelly didn't eat anything either. They had exactly one food vendor at the field and it was a pita place. I know lots of people like pitas, but I am not one of them. Even Kelly, who usually likes that kind of stuff, was a little disappointed. I mean, this is a football practice right? With NFL fans attending, right? I think a grill with dogs, burgers, brats, and maybe even some chicken would have been much more appropriate. But then again, Bill Ford Jr. hasn't exactly asked my opinion on the matter. Maybe he's a fan of the pita.

When we left there, we went to check into our hotel and get ready for the Tiger's game that night. Getting ready consisted of taking a two-hour nap. My legs were pretty worn out from the walking involved at Lion's camp and from the stress of the test earlier in the day. We made our way over the ballpark and found our seats. I have to say, these were probably among my favorite ones that we've had. It was padded and there was a little table right in front of us to set stuff on. It was shaded so I was able to stay out of the sun and we were right behind a brat/hot dog vendor that also sold diet pepsi so it was damn near perfect. The only downside was that we couldn't see the scoreboard from where we were at. A small price to pay in my opinion.

We have been lucky enough to see the Tigers win nearly every time we have gone to a game. Wednesday night continued our streak as the Tigers fell behind 4-1 and came back to win 8-4. Joe Nathan came on in the ninth inning and walked the first two guys he faced and the fans got on him. I didn't boo out loud, but in my head, I admit I was thinking “here we go again.” He eventually got out of the inning but it wasn't the easy 1-2-3 ninth that everybody wanted. I didn't see this at the time, but apparently Nathan made a gesture toward the fans afterward because he wasn't happy with being booed. I can understand that, but he has to understand that he has one job. When he doesn't do that job efficiently and has already blown seven save opportunities, he's going to get booed a little bit.

The last thing on our schedule for the two-day trip was to stop in St. Helen and attend a visitation for Richard Wood. For those of you who have been following my posts, you know the story so I won't re-visit it. It was hard, but I'm glad that we stopped. We got to say hi to Ann, Ellen, and Connie and ran into a few other people that I knew from the old days of growing up in St. Helen. I had no idea what to say to Connie. It was easy enough to talk to Ann and Ellen, but when we had a minute with Connie, my head just went blank. Looking at her trying to maintain a brave face and get through the next couple of days made me realize that there wasn't really anything that I could say. I'm sorry just doesn't seem to cut it in that situation.

When we went up to the casket, I looked at Richard and couldn't believe the effect that the cancer had had on him. I was very fortunate in that I never had any pain during my treatment or even before I was diagnosed. Richard was not that lucky. He looked as though he had aged years in the short time between his diagnosis and his passing. I didn't get to visit him prior to his death, but from what I have been told, he handled the entire ordeal with the dignity and grace that anyone who knew Richard would have expected.

We had gone to my mom's house to change clothes and ended up taking my Aunt Kay with us to the visitation. When we went up to Grandma's house to pick her up, I sat with Grandma for a few minutes before we left. She has been having a rough time lately as she has fallen a couple times and hurt her hip. My mom and Aunt have made two trips to the emergency room in West Branch and were blown off the first time. The second time, they were treated a little bit better and got some pain medication for her. It didn't help much though and when we saw her, she was really hurting. She tried to get up when we came in and couldn't do it. I sat next to her and we talked for a few minutes before we had to leave and it just broke my heart listening to her talk about the pain and hearing her ask my mom how soon she could take another pain pill. This is a woman who wouldn't complain if she were on fire, so if she's talking about how much it hurts, it has to be bad. She has an MRI scheduled soon and they think that maybe it's a pinched nerve. I hope it's something that simple as surgery is not an option for her.

Hopefully Grandma and I will get better together!

We Will Win

Dear Richard

Dear Richard,

I was devasted to read Ellen's post regarding the time you have left. I can't imagine what it must be like for someone to tell you that you have a finite amount of time left. When I was diagnosed, I knew right from the beginning that it was treatable and curable and never had to really worry about the kind of news that you got.

I can only guess as to what's important to you right now, but I think I have a pretty good idea. You have raised a great family and have shared your married life with a loving, caring woman. You have touched their lives in more ways than anyone will ever know, but you should know that there are others who have taken lessons from you as well.

I remember one thing inparticular that I will take from you. When we were younger (a lot younger), there was a dance at the hall up at the ballfields. I can't remember if you were there as a chaperone or just a parent, but I remember that you were there. Ann was there too, and when a slow dance song came on, some people danced and others didn't. Ann wanted to dance, but most of us boys were too busy trying to hide the fact that we had no idea how to dance. Ann was obviously disappointed and then you stepped in and offered her your hand. You led her around the dance floor and although she was mortified for the first few steps, within seconds she was smiling and laughing as you whisked her around the floor. It was the first time in my life that I had ever seen a man slowdance in person that didn't involve the simple shuffling of feet and turning in a circle. I admired your dancing ability that night, but more than that, I admired the kind of man that loved his daughter enough to get up in front of a bunch of teenagers and dance with his daughter. That's been at least 30 years ago and I just wanted you to know that it's a lesson that I've remembered and one I hope to pass on to my son as well.

Thank-you Richard

Softball Etiquette

Callie finished up her season this past weekend in Alpena and although I've mentioned in my last post that it's been fun watching them get better and more competitive, this weekend provided something for the girl's to hold onto and know that they are improving.

They were winning 1-0 going into the bottom of the fifth inning of a seven-inning elimination game on Sunday morning against the Traverse City Thunder White team. We have never beaten a Traverse City for as long as Callie has been in this program, so everyone was feeling pretty happy at this point. The Thunder get a couple girls on base, but with two outs, their batter hits a ground ball and is called out at first base. The Traverse fans go crazy as they believe their player to be safe. Both teams are off the field at this point and the base ump who made the call, all of a sudden feels the need to converse with the home plate ump. After three minutes of conversation, the girl is called safe and our girls are ordered back onto the field. Traverse ends up scoring three runs after the call and we trail 3-1 going into the sixth.

I didn't get a good look at the play, so I won't say whether the call was right or not. I asked people about it and got mixed results. My wife was in the dugout at the time and saw it and thought the runner was in fact, safe, so I'm inclined to believe her. My problem with the whole situation is that if you're going to ask for help as an umpire, you need to do it immediately. You can't wait until the reaction of the fans forces you to start questioning your call and then seek help. If you aren't sure of your call, get help prior to both teams leaving the field, or tell them to stay there until it gets sorted out.

Needless to say, momentum was down at this point as our girls finally get the third out and get off the field. Fortunately, we have the heart of our lineup coming up to bat and our first two hitters reach base, including my daughter, who was hit by a pitch. Logan Solomon came up to bat and hit a ball over the left fielder's head and scored two runs to tie the game. Callie ran through a stop sign at third base and ended up scoring without a throw to the plate. (She has her dad's speed unfortunately). Logan ended up scoring right after that, giving us a 4-3 lead with six Traverse outs to go.

Callie pitched the game and shut down the Thunder in the final two innings with the help of a very solid defensive performance from everyone. The Legacies played the entire game without an error and for the first time, the team showed the willingness to look a loss in the face and turn it into a win. I was so proud of Callie and the way she held it together (with a little help from coach Stacey) and went out and did her job when the team needed her.

This led to a 1 pm game against the Richmond Blues.

There are two things that need to be mentioned before I go any further with this. The first is that weather was an issue on Sunday. Everyone knew that the rain was coming and it was just a matter of time before it got to the ball field. The second is that I believe in the unwritten rules of baseball/softball (most of them anyway). If you don't know what they are, ask me.

The game with the Blues started on time and the lineup was the same as it was for the prior one. I'm supersticious so I had no problem with that. In fact, I was telling some people who were planning on leaving that they needed to stay because the mojo wouldn't be there without them there.

When the game got underway, it was clear that we had spent our last energy in the game before, and it was also clear that the Blues were a better team than we were. I don't mind losing to a better team, but they way that the Richmond coaching staff conducted themselves, the loss was a bitter pill.

As I said, the weather was on the way. You could feel the temperature dropping and see the wind picking up. In the bottom of the second inning, the Blues were beating us 16-0. They are a good hitting team and they have a lot of speed. They bunted on us a lot and we were just emotionally drained from the prior game. The mercy rule states that if a team is down by 15 runs after three innings, the game is over. So the Blues are doing everything they can to get to that 15-run mark. They stole every time they got on and bunted, knowing that their speed was enough for a base hit. It was a pretty classless display since, like I said, we were obviously not as good as they were. But the worst was yet to come. We were having a hard time getting the Blues out in the bottom of the second and they needed to get out and get our last three outs for the game to be official. So their coach told a runner on third base to lead off and get called out. It's an automatic out to leave the bag early, so the ump made the call and now there were two outs. The batter got on and was ordered to leave early by the coach and did so. The base ump missed the call and did not call her out. So as our pitcher begins her windup, the girl takes off and is standing on third close to the time the ball reached the plate and is called out.

One thing that I really appreciate about our coaching staff is the fact that our team never would have pulled a stunt like that. They believe in playing “the right way,” and not embarrasing a team when they are down. We would have never ran like that on a team with such a big lead and we would have never been bunting for hits in that situation. And I can guarantee you that our coaching staff would never, ever have told a girl to leave early like that just to get out of an inning. The whole thing just stunk.

When we got up to bat, the rain started. Anyone who had been looking at the weather could see that once it started, it wasn't going to stop. So, even if Richmond had gotten those last three outs, they weren't going any further anyway, so why act like a bunch of jackwagons?

I am childishly happy to report that just over an hour after the rain began to fall, and the tournament was called off, denying the Blues the opportunity to win the tournament, and not even allowing them to count an official victory against us. Serves them right.

And while I'm at it, I cannot believe how far some of the parents and coaches go at these tournaments. For the second time in as many years, I or my wife has been forced out of a spot while our game was still going on by fans from the next game setting up their portable gazebo and not caring who's way they are in or who's view they might be obstructing. Once the game's over, by all means, set up just the way you want to, but please at least have the courtesy to wait until the game going on is over before you start claiming territory.

And if you're coaching a team of teenage girls, why do you need cleats on? Do you need better traction while waiving a runner on to the next base? Or is it maybe that you think you'll be needed to dress up like a young girl and pinch run at some point? Stop being dumb.

Ok, I'm taking a deep breath now and calming down. This was the last game of the season, so my blood pressure should be fine by spring.

Hang in there Richard

Note: This was written a few days ago and unfortunately, this is the first chance I've had to post it. I will be following this up shortly with another post. Sorry for the wait.

It's been awhile since I've written anything here. It's been kind of nice not to have anything to complain about in terms of treatments and side effects. My legs are still pretty weak, but I have noticed slight improvement over the past few days and I'm hoping that it continues.

I was terribly disappointed to learn that one of our family friends has been diagnosed with cancer. Richard Wood, who, along with his wife Connie, have been good friends of my mom for as long as I can remember. Graham and I grew up with their daughters Ann and Ellen. I am a year older than Ann and Graham and Ellen are the same age. My mom and Connie worked together at a daycare center for a few years and that meant that us kids spent a lot of time together. It's been a long time since I have talked to either one of the girls, but despite that, my heart goes out to them. One thing that I have discovered about having had cancer is that as hard as it is on the person who has it, it may be even harder on those close to the person who has it. At least when you are the one who has it, you know that you'll either recover or you won't. If you do, your suffering ends, if you don't, your suffering ends. For the family and friends of the cancer patient though, it only goes well if there is a full recovery.

I have been lucky enough to have Kelly in my life and to have her shared strength, courage and optimism. It's not easy for someone to wear that face all the time, especially when they don't always feel that way. It's important though. It's way easier to deal with cancer if the people around you are positive. As a patient, it's so much easier to deal with cancer when you know in your head that you're going to beat it. And an important part of knowing that you're going to beat it is to have the people in your life show nothing but confidence in that outcome. No tears, no doubt, and no giving up.

Ok, enough about that. Richard, I know that you're going to come through this with flying colors.

Our summer so far has been busy, but fun. Callie played really well in Midland and pitched really well in a complete-game win on Saturday night. She had four doubles and a handful of singles in the games.

I'm going to take this opportunity to complain about the way that tournament was run though. Our girls pay $50 per year to play travel softball and the rest of the funding for the program comes from a burger bash fundraiser and our home tournament. The rest is provided by the director of the program, Linda Bouvet out of her own pocket.

Midland has some other ideas regarding fundraising. I have no idea how many weekends per summer their travel team plays, but it must be an extremely high number . They must need an awful lot of money based on their demands on spectators. I must confess that I have no idea what they charged teams to play in the tournament, but unless it was free, the good folks in charge in Midland are taking advantage of parents wanting to watch their kids play. When we pulled into Emerson Park prior to the Friday night game, we were stopped and informed that it would be $10 per person for the weekend. I thought that they must have misspoke and meant $10 per car, but I was wrong. They charged us $30 and gave us an inconvenient wrist bracelet to wear for the rest of the weekend. I didn't want to put the bracelet on so we carried them around in our bags and every time we went to a field, we were asked to produce them. Heaven forbid that someone might show up for a Saturday night game not having paid their $10 entry fee. Add to that the price of the concessions and I'm pretty sure that they grossed more in three days than I make in a year.

Another thing that was ridiculous about that tourney is that Emerson Park is probably the premier softball complex in the state. It has a stadium as one of its fields that the girls got to play on with actual grandstands that run from first base to third base with a press box at the top of the grandstand behind the plate. There are very nice indoor bathrooms underneath the grandstand along with umpire rooms. However, $10 per person apparently isn't enough money to allow access to those indoor bathrooms. The doors were all locked and port-a-johns were placed throughout the complex. Just one more dropped ball by the tournament organizers.

I don't usually rant like that in public, but if that's the kind of money you need to raise to keep your program afloat, then maybe you need to rethink your program just a tad.

We have had a really good time following the girls this summer, watching them improve and be more competitive.

We go to Alpena this weekend for the final tournament of the season. So if you happen to be looking for something to do, make the drive and watch some softball. Abbie is done with her softball and may be rethinking her desire to be a catcher as a ball got through the gear the other day and hit her in the side. She was a trooper though and got back out on the field the next inning, just not behind the plate.

Andrew is still doing really well at his job, and is enjoying the paycheck that comes along with it. He recently asked me about a second job so that he could get even more. I'm proud of him and the work ethic that he is starting to show. His mom wanted to take the kids down to her mom's house and Andrew didn't go because he didn't want to miss work. There was a time when he would have quit the job in order to go.

I will update this again after my pre-surgery on August 13 to let you know what I found out.

Dear Cancer

Dear Cancer,

I am happy to announce to you that our time together is coming to an end. I took my last chemo treatment yesterday and by tomorrow around noon, the pump will come off for the last time. That will mark the end of our nearly year-long relationship and with all due respect, good riddance.

I still remember the day that I found out for sure that you had taken up residence with me. I wasn't overly surprised when I found out, as I had noticed some clues that I might have a house guest. I never doubted that your stay would be relatively short though, and we took quick action to begin the eviction process.

You were not a very accommodating guest. You cost me more than you can ever repay. Nearly a year of my life has been spent with you in the forefront of every decision made in this household. Trips have been canceled or put on hold, a new vehicle is currently on hold due to the uncertainty of my upcoming surgery and financial uncertainty because of that. Even more unforgivable, you have made my wife take on the role of caregiver. She had given up a year of her life to take care of me. She has never complained about it, but she has not made a choice for herself for a long time and I look forward to the upcoming day that she can make a decision based on something that she wants and not something that I need. I have never wanted to get out and mow the grass so bad in my life and part of it is because it kills me to be sitting here on the couch watching her work her ass off pushing the mower around the yard. The most I've been able to manage is to go out and water the flowers as far as yard work goes. I tried to push the mower once while she was gone and it felt like I was pushing a front end loader around. The mowing attempt was short-lived.

You have also taken away from my kids. I love coaching my daughter Callie and that was taken away from me this year. When this first started, I had a pipe dream that I might still be able to coach. I was quickly disabused of this notion when the chemo started and my body started to suffer a little bit. My legs began to get weak and everything else had to get pushed aside to make sure that I still had the energy to keep working. This also affected my ability to do things with my youngest daughter Abbie. She loves to play catch and have me pitch to her and to play basketball with me. I have been able to play catch a couple times with her, but the physical toll it takes is incredible to me. I have played catch with her just twice since this started and both times, it took me more than a day to completely shake off the effects of chasing down a bad throw or bend down to get the ball. She threw one to me that was wide right and when I lunged for it, my legs told me that I was going to fall. The strength simply wasn't there to regain my balance and stop myself. I managed to throw a hand down to keep myself from completely going down, but it was not a good feeling. We haven't played catch since then. She felt bad about it, and I was surprised and embarrassed at my lack of strength. I knew the legs were weak, but it hit me then just how weak I was. Cancer, this is simply unforgivable.

My son Andrew has some exciting stuff going on right now as well. He is doing a great job battling his anxiety regarding driver's training, and he has started his first real job and is thriving. He is learning to expand his horizons and is finding it easier to interact with people. I have been forced to watch this from the sidelines as well. I have taken picked him up from work a few times and we have even gone driving a couple times so that he could practice. As fun as this has been, I still feel like I'm not as available to him as I would be had you not shown up. So there's one more reason that you must go.

Lastly, my brother Graham and my buddy Erick came up and sat with Kelly and I during my last treatment yesterday and I cannot even begin to express my gratitude to them for taking time out of their lives to come and celebrate with us. We went to lunch after at the Keyhole in Mackinaw City, which is one of my favorite places. Graham asked about possibly canoeing on Sunday and while I was initially excited about it, I have to call him today and see if there's something else we can do because quite honestly, I'm afraid of the chance that the canoe might capsize and with my legs being what they are at the moment, the thought of being in moving water is not very appealing to me. Yet another decision made by my unwelcome guest.

Once you are gone, I will begin to rehab my legs. It will take time because the chemo will still be in my body for up to a month after Thursday. I will then be looking at surgery to reverse the osteomy and that will take a toll as well. But make no mistake about it, I will return to what I was and then I will be better than I was.

I can't say that this war is completely over, for to do so would go against everything I believe regarding tempting fate, karma and whatever other forces moniter declarations like that. I know that there is a chance that you could come back and we'd have to play this little game all over again. But should you make this choice Cancer, know you this. The result will be the same. You will be discovered, beaten, and evicted again.

But as of today, right now, this battle is over.

Suck it Cancer.

I Win

One more time

One more to go. The only announcement that will make me happier than that right now will come in two weeks when I can say that I'm done. We had a little snag today as Kelly and I forgot to bring the pump to St. Ignace. Not a huge deal, we just had to drive back up to the Sault and have it hooked up at War Memorial Hospital.

I have mentioned a lot of people in my posts, all of whom are important to me. There are a ton of people that are important to me that I didn't mention and I apologize for that. At some point, I hope to be able to talk more about the people who are important in my life and give them credit (or blame) as the case may be for their influence on my life.

Three people that I wanted to mention briefly and certainly merit a post dedicated entirely to them because of the things that I've learned from them are Pat, Todd, and Brian. Pat taught me that there was more to life than the little box that I had created for myself. He broadened my horizons and showed me a world that I knew existed, but had no interest in. You have my sincere thanks for that Pat, as a lot of my interests today have roots in the things that you introduced me to. Todd is a lot of things to me, but I think that his biggest role in my life has been that of a moral compass. He has helped me through several tough times in my life and has always been there with solid advice and friendship that is constant and steadfast. Brian gets credit for teaching me that sometimes rules need to be broken and getting into trouble is not always a bad thing. Every time I see the movie History of the World Part 1, I think of Brian. Like I said, these words are just a brief sample of my experiences with these guys and there is a lot more to all of them than I'm saying here.

I have talked a lot about my past in this blog, and I think a lot of that had to do with the fear I was feeling about how this whole deal was going to turn out. I'm certainly not trying to tempt fate or anything, but I think maybe it's time I started talking about the future.

Having cancer has changed me in a lot of ways. It has made me appreciate the things that I have and the people in my life and it has also made me wonder if I've gotten everything that I can out of life so far. When I was first diagnosed, I asked myself if I had done everything I wanted to do and I found out that the answer was a resounding no. There are big-ticket things on the list to be sure, but also plenty of things that most people would consider “everyday” stuff.

For example, one of the big ticket things is to take a trip to Scotland. I don't know if it will ever happen or not, but I hope so. A more attainable goal that I have is to try egg-nog this holiday season. I have never had the guts to try it before, but this is going to be the year. My courage only goes so far though. My wife ordered a veggie-burger for lunch today and tried to get me to take a bite. It will be awhile before I can make myself try that. I mean, if you want me to eat vegetables, put a vegetable in front of me. If I want you to try a bratwurst, I'm not going to try and dress it up like a stalk of broccoli.

Some of the things I have coming up are my last treatment of course, which happens on June 24^th. I also have to go back to Detroit and have a pre-op appointment so that I can have my osteomy reversed. During that pre-op visit, they are going to do another flexible sigmoid-oscopy. (I have no idea if that's spelled right, but that's how I say it.) I suspect that that will be the most uncomfortable part of the whole process. There is a part of the movie History of the World Part 1, which I mentioned earlier The part I'm referring to happens in Rome during the reign of Caesar. A head honcho in the Roman Army is placing Gregory Hines and Mel Brooks under arrest and is asking the citizens if anyone knows what the punishment for their crime is. (I can't remember what exactly the crime was) A member of the mob says that the punishment is to shove a living snake up their ass. It's not the correct answer, but I think that single phrase might be what inspired the the flexible sigmoid-oscopy. I'll get through it though as that will be the last step prior to the surgery which will mark the end of my bodily “accessories.”

If this battle were a basketball game, we are in the fourth quarter with about two minutes left. I have a 15-point lead and the ball. Warm up the bus cancer, cuz this game is almost over.

I Will Win

Getting Closer

I know that it's been a little while since my last post. I have been putting stuff right after I get my treatments and I'm a little late. The reason for this is that, quite simply, I'm tired of writing about cancer. I'm tired of my life and my blog revolving around it. And I'm sure that anyone who reads my blog on a regular basis is probably tired of reading about it.

A good example of the reason that I'm tired of writing about it is happening right now as I type. It's a sunny Saturday afternoon and I'm sitting on the couch resting my legs while my wife is outside mowing the grass and hauling wheelbarrow loads of mowed grass back into the woods behind our house. She would never say anything, but I know that she's got to be getting tired of doing the work of two people around the house and yard.

So, just a couple quick things in the way of an update. I had my sixth treatment on Tuesday, which means only two more to go. My legs have been giving me a lot of trouble lately, just from being so weak, so they changed my treatment a little bit. They eliminated one of the chemo drugs that I get and fortunately for me it's also the one that causes the cold sensitivity in my hands and mouth. The doctor thought that that particular part of the treatment might be messing with the nerves in my legs so he stopped it at least for the next two weeks so we can see of there's any improvement.

So enough about that. On to some stuff that's more fun to talk about it. We recently celebrated Shane's graduation and open house last Sunday. It went very well. There were lots of people at the open house and everyone seemed to have a good time. Despite mine and Kelly's skepticism regarding the jerky bar that Shane wanted, it went over extremely well. Lots of people were up there sampling all the different kinds that we had and everyone seemed to like it. We also had an ice cream bar that didn't go over quite as well. We probably have 50 small containers of vanilla and chocolate ice cream in our freezer. So if you'd like a bite of ice cream or two, come see us. We might even throw in some chocolate or caramel topping. Shane also did well at the graduation. One of the benefits of a small school ceremony like that is that you get to hear some more about an individual graduate than simply his or her name as they walk across the stage. One of the things that Brimley does is announce all the scholarships won by the seniors. Shane did pretty well here, laying claim to five of them. They came all at once, so it seemed like he was just walking off the stage with one in his hand and walking right back around to the entry stairs to head up and claim another one.

Callie finished her softball season off with quite a bang. In their final game of the season, she came up to bat with runners on first and second while trailing 7-5. She hit a double, driving in both runners to tie the game. After going to third on a pass ball, she scored by stealing home on another pass ball. For those of you who know Callie, you understand what a big deal it was for her to take off for home and slide to score the winning run.

Andrew has got himself a job at a new restaurant in town and will start on June 10 or 11^th. He is pretty excited about it and I am too. It will be a big challenge for him because it's a lot of stuff that he's never had to do before. It will be his first real step towards real responsibility and I hope he rises to the occasion.

Sydney has officially moved in with her grandparents in Clare and is working at the Doherty Hotel. She is planning on taking a statistics class that will allow her to attend Saginaw Valley in the fall and continue to pursue her nursing career.

This leaves us with Abbie Church. She is very disappointed that all her brothers and sisters are now done with school and she still has to go for another week. It is a very unfair and unjust world that we live in in her point of view. She got to go to an indoor water park in Mackinaw City the other day and had a great time. We went to the VFW Hall for a fish fry and Kelly, Abbie and I had a great time eating and laughing together.

These are the life events that I'd like to keep people up to date on and not stupid cancer or chemotherapy. In another month, I'll be able to do that. I have maintained all along that I'm going to beat this thing and continue to live my life. I am close to accomplishing that goal and being able to truly enjoy the things that are important to me. Twenty-four more days, two more treatments, and one victory.

I Will Win

Five down, three to go

On Tuesday, I had the fifth of my eight treatments and this one has been the hardest so far. Of course, I guess that should be expected as I was warned early on that the effects of this would be cumulative. I went to bed last night (Wednesday) at about 11:30 pm and slept until roughly 1:30 pm on Thursday afternoon. I made my way upstairs and sat down on the couch and promptly fell back asleep until 3 pm. The cold thing is also getting a little harder to manage. Kelly and I went to Shane's baseball game in Alanson on Wednesday afternoon and although I was ok at first, by the beginning of the second game, I was headed to the car for another sweatshirt and some gloves. I ended up watching the last couple innings from the car with the heater on. So of course, our weather forecast for the next couple days is low 40s with the possibility of some snow mixed in with the rain.

Even though I'm a little bummed about the effects worsening, I'm also a little excited that the number of treatments left is down to three. I can't explain why, but that number seems so much closer to the finish line than four did.

I got the pump off just about an hour ago, and that makes me feel better too. It's always a relief to get that thing off me. It doesn't really limit what I can do, but it makes it a lot harder to do it. I can't even tell you how many times that the tubing has gotten caught on stuff and jerks on that needle in my chest.

It's been a little bit since I've posted anything as I've been sticking to putting stuff up shortly after treatment days. Since my last post, my step-daughter Sydney has graduated from Ancilla College and has settled in at her grandparents house in Clare. She has a job and is going to be taking a statistics class so that she can enroll at Saginaw Valley State to finish her nursing education. Very proud of her. When Kelly went down to graduation, I had to stay home because I couldn't get the time off work. I had something funny happen while Kelly was gone, although I promise you, I didn't think it was funny at the time.

I always let the dogs out before I go to bed or get ready for work. When I let them in, I'm usually in my underwear because Bear (St. Bernard) likes to get hair all over my work clothes when he comes in. This night was no exception. I went to the door to let them in and I was wearing a t-shirt, underwear and a pair of slippers. Joey came right in and I waited a second for the big boy to make his way to the door. I knew there was going to be trouble when I heard him barking up by the back deck. He had gotten himself wrapped around the base of a small shrub. We put him out on a cord connected to a stake in the back yard because he thinks that he should be able to do whatever he wants while he's out there, including visiting all the neighbors while suddenly becoming deaf to all calls of “get back here.”

So he has the cord wrapped around the shrub and it's cold and rainy outside. I stomp up to the back deck which means I have to go up a muddy hill to get there. I see that he's not just wrapped up once or twice, but about six times. I get him to go around it backwards twice to get a little slack in the cord, but then he's done. My legs are not at full strength right now and that makes dealing with Bear that much more difficult. So, I'm thinking I'm just going to unhook him and keep ahold of his collar and we'll just go right up the steps of the back deck and in that door. Not ideal because of the mud that's going to get in the kitchen and dining room, but better than trying to bully him back down to the basement door where we both came out of.

While I'm reaching to unhook him, our neighbor's dog barks. This is bad news for me because Rex is a Golden Retriever who Bear goes over to play with now and then. Bear loves to go over there and whenever the dogs are outside at the same time, there is a huge barkfest that goes on as the dogs try to get a look at each other. Bear barks once and then bolts in Rex's direction. I look down and realize that my foot is in a loop in the cord. I know that I'm going to get jerked off my feet and that I'll never be able to get my foot out of that loop in time. Sure enough, I feel the cord bite into my leg and the next thing I know, I'm laying in the mud in my t-shirt and underwear. Meanwhile, Bear is pulling on the cord which is causing my foot to try and separate from my leg. I created new swear words that night and I'm glad that my mom and grandma weren't around because I called that dog every curse word I've ever heard in my life. I finally got him under control enough to get my foot out of the cord and then I realized I was going to have to unhook him in order to unwrap the cord from the shrub. I let him off the cord and he bolts for the neighbor's house. I finally convinced him to come back about 5 minutes later. I had to change my under clothes and get in the shower again. The worst part of the whole thing was that I got pretty cold rolling around in the mud and my hands were so cold that night that I couldn't button my shirt or tie my shoes so I drove out to work with my hands in front of the heater. By the time I got out to the prison, I was able to get things buttoned and tied.

Of the many things that I don't like about having cancer, is hearing about everyone else that has it. I know how that sounds, but that's not how I mean it. It's bad enough that anyone has it, but then you start hearing about so many other people that have it or have had it and the numbers can quickly get staggering. I have heard countless tales from people or about people since I was diagnosed and it makes me wonder if everyone is destined to get it at some point? I mean, just in the last two weeks, I know someone who has died from cancer, someone who was diagnosed and had emergency surgery to remove it on the same day, someone who's family thought their father was clear of it and instead found out it had spread, and someone who is worrying like hell waiting on the results of a biopsy. I have been thinking about all of them over the past few days and hoping for the best for each of them and their families.

But where does it end? Will we ever discover a cure? We've been to the moon, we have vaccinations for diseases that killed hundreds of thousands of people in the middle ages. Why is this particular one so elusive in terms of a cure or a preventative measure? I'm tired of dealing with cancer and its effects, and I'm tired of hearing about cancer touching the lives of people I know.

I Will Win

Halfway Home

Tuesday was sort of a milestone day in terms of the chemotherapy treatments I’ve been getting. It was treatment number 4 which means I’m halfway done. Four more to go, one more surgery after that, and then it’s done. All done.

Things are still going ok as far as the side effects go. My hands are definitely more sensitive to the cold than they were when I started and grabbing something cold is about the same as getting a low level electrical shock. That’s definitely the worst part of it right now. The nausea comes and goes, but I’ve got medication I can take for that and for the most part, it hasn’t given me any trouble. The effects last for 2-4 days after I get the pump unhooked and then it’s been fine after that. That could change as the treatments progress, but I hope not. I can’t even tell you the number of times already that I’ve forgotten that I’m not supposed to touch cold stuff and end up throwing down whatever thing I’ve just picked up. Some good examples include a boot full of snow, a can of frozen apple juice, a ball for our trailer hitch, and a cold can of pop.

I did something a couple days ago that I hadn’t done since before the surgery. The snow has been receding in the driveway and that cleared off the basketball court enough for me to get a ball and shoot a few times. Nothing outside the range of about five feet, but enough to remind me that it’s fun and I’d like to get back to the point where I can do it on a regular basis. When I was in my early 20s, and maybe even in my late teens, that’s all I did was play basketball. Softball too, but basketball was my favorite. Bob Gulick and I played together when we started. Neither of my brothers was old enough to play in a league at the time, so it was just Bob and I. I had previously played for my uncle’s team and was ready for a change just because there were a lot of guys on that team and Bob and I wanted to be somewhere where we could play together.

This meant signing on to play with the Hen House out of St. Helen at first. They were a good group of guys, but we weren’t a very good basketball team. Bob and I were of the mind that since we were probably the two best players on the team, that we should be on the floor the majority of the time. The other guys didn’t see it that way. Hell, I’m not even sure that they agreed with our assessment that we were the two best players on the team. Actually, I’m sure that most of them did not share that view. Our time there did not last long.

One thing that I need to mention at this point in my story is that there is no person that I enjoyed playing with more than Bob. The reason is simple. I like to shoot the ball. I make no secret about it and I do not apologize for it. Bob knew this about me and still enjoyed playing with me. I have played with a lot of other guards over my years, and I have never had a backcourt mate more in tune with where and when I wanted the ball. We played together enough that he was just able see the play unfold the same way I did and he just knew where I was going to go and when to make the pass. Of course, every shooter needs a conscience, and while I didn’t have one of my own, I had Bob. He would pull me aside from time to time and tell me to get so and so the ball, or tell me that someone needs a touch down low. I knew that if Bob was telling me this, I had better listen just because he had a better sense of that stuff than I did.

And please don’t think that I’m saying that I’m some kind of all-star. I loved playing and I was pretty good, but I have played with and against a ton of guys way better than me.

One thing that I had going for me as a player was the fact that I was overweight and people took one look at me and decided that I wasn’t going to be any good, so I always got the worst defender that the other team had to offer until they figured out that fat didn’t necessarily mean slow and terrible.

A really good story about this happened when I was in my mid-30s. I was playing in a charity game at the high school in Sault Ste. Marie and I had invited my youngest brother Clay up to play with us. He came and we had a great time playing together. After the game, we were sitting on the bottom row of the bleachers changing our shoes and putting on sweats and such and getting ready to go. An older man and his wife were making their way down the bleachers and stopped in front of Clay and I and started talking to us.

“You are proof positive that you can’t judge a book by its cover,” the woman said. “You sure don’t look fast, but there you were, dribbling the ball all over the place and you looked pretty fast doing that.” I said thank-you and they went on their way. A few minutes later, when Clay could draw breath again, he managed to sputter “the fat guy can play. That’s what they just said, the fat guy can play.” Someday, I may forgive Clay for laughing as hard as he did over that, but not just yet.

Truth be told, it was pretty funny.

But my glory days as a basketball player definitely came in the Houghton Lake Men’s League. When Graham was old enough to play, we (me, Graham, and Bob) started putting our own team in the league with guys that we picked ourselves. And I have to be honest, I can’t even remember who was on that team, so if you read this and were on that team, please let me know. If you were on it, you should have a horrific looking purple t-shirt with a gold number on it. From there, Glen’s sponsored us for a few years and we began to pick up some of our core players. I’m going to rattle off some names that I remember playing with us, and I know that I’m going to forget some of them. If you played with us and I didn’t mention you, please message me so that I can edit this post and add you.

I know that Josh Arleth and Erick Haight played with us pretty much from the very beginning and I’m pretty sure Matt Brunt did too. Matt was a lot of fun to play with and he fit our style really well. We were the mouthiest team in the league for a period of about 8 years. Matt was very talkative on the court, but I don’t ever remember him getting teed up. A little later, we added Scott Szotko, who was an extremely good basketball player. He also fit our “talkative” style very well, especially in getting under the other team’s skin. When Clay was old enough to play, that added a whole new pool of players to our fold. The bruise brothers, Dave Jones and Jeff Mallets were lots of fun to have around and were just a brawl waiting to happen, and Craig Lavigne was another guy who came with Clay. He was a good player, but was quiet. I think he and Josh Arleth were the two quietest guys to ever play on our team.

We also had a guy named Doug Ryckman for a year, and what a year it was. We beat the perennial league champion that year with him and in that game was one of my favorite moments ever in that league. Matt Brunt gets the ball and takes a turn-around jump shot from the right elbow. Even before the ball is halfway there, he turns to the guy guarding him and says in this sing-song voice, “Eat it.” We laughed so hard over that after the game that our stomachs all hurt. That quote will live on for as long as I do.

We were the second-worst behaved team in that league for all our years in it, second to the Limberlost. The reason I say that is because we limited our behavior to verbal outbursts, and it was usually directed at the officials, not other players, although this was not always the case. The Limberlost group was maybe the dirtiest team I’ve ever played against in any league I’ve ever been in. The usual rule is that you respect the fact that guys have to get up the next day and go to their job and you don’t do anything that would jeopardize that. Not so with these guys. It wasn’t all of them, but there were definitely two or three of them that were more than a little crazy. If you were driving in for a layup, you wanted to have a good idea as to where they were in relation to your path to the basket. And if you knew you were playing the Limberlost on a given day, you made sure that your insurance premiums were paid up.

We were a way different team than that. We were cocky, arrogant, and to be honest, pretty damned good. Other teams didn’t necessarily like us, but it wasn’t because they were scared of us. We just had a good time playing together and had fun out there.

I still keep in contact with a good number of guys who played on our basketball team and would like to hear from you if I didn’t mention you in this blog.

I could go on for pages and pages about our team and our exploits in that league, but I will leave out the Graham Church abuse of the garbage cans in the hallway and some of my own tantrums that would be embarrassing to mention.

I Will Win

Easter Sunday

Sunday was a good day. We spent the day at my mom and grandma's house for Easter and, as usual, it did more to heal me than any chemotherapy treatment ever will. Kelly, Andrew, Calle, Abbie and I all piled in our car on Saturday afternoon and made the drive down. Saturday night was pretty low-key with everyone just kind of sittng around and talkng. Graham and Clay and their families were there as well so it was a full house.

When everyone is together like that, there's not really enough room at mom's house, so the way it usually works out is that Kelly and I go up to my grandma's house to sleep. The reason I mention this is because when I was younger, I lived with grandma for awhile. We used to “discuss” the thermostat setting at night because grandma used to turn it way down so that you could see your breath in the morning. Now, as she's gotten older, she cranks it up. Way up. Neither Kelly or I slept with a single cover on and when I got up in the morning, I looked at the thermostat and was stunned to see that the temperature read 78 degrees. I'm not complaining because she needs to be warm, but 78 degrees is pretty warm sleeping weather. One thing that was really nice though, was that we could hear the frogs from the woods across the road. It made me feel like I was a kid again (with the obvious exception of having a woman in bed with me). It definitely created a sense of nostalgia though.

After taking a shower, I sat at the dining room table and talked with grandma for a few minutes while Kelly took her shower. She said something to me that sort of stunned me. We were looking out the window into her back yard and I was thinking about the trees that used to be there that aren't anymore and the garden that used to be there that isn't anymore and I heard grandma say “I sure wish we could go back about 30 years. That would make you pretty young (15), but it would sure do me a lot of good.” My grandma is 91 now and she's only wishing for 30 years. I mean, if you're going to wish for time back, go big. If I'm 90 and asking for time, I'm asking for at least 60 years. But that's what separates my grandma from a lot of people. She doesn't ask for anything very often, and never more than she needs.

We went back to mom's for breakfast before church and gave the kids their Easter baskets. Nothing crazy, but something anyway. We went in to church and saw a lot of people that I hadn't seen in awhile so that was nice. One thing that kind of cracked me up a little was my son. When I was his age, I didn't like going to church and I sat through the whole service just waiting for it to be over. I looked over at him a few times during the sermon and I saw that look on his face.

After church, we went back to mom's and got changed and my brother Graham asked if everyone wanted to play wiffleball. The kids were all on board so we went outside and Graham broke out all the stuff he had brought up with him. We had bats, balls, gloves, and even bases. Everyone with the last name of Church and under the age of 60 played, at least for a little while. I always love my family, but especially at times like that when we're all together doing one thing and having fun doing it. I was proud of my son Andrew because even though sports aren't his thing, he got out there and played for a little bit. (And thank-you Graham, for talking him into it.)

Even though it didn't start out this way, it ended up being boys against girls. Unfortunately for the boys, we were pretty severely outnumbered. We had such a good time playing out there that in my mind, if we didn't do anything else, the trip would have been worth it. Late in the game, I was up to bat and I hit a fly ball out by where my wife was playing in the outfield. She was going back on the ball and hit an uneven patch of ground and started to fall. It was like something on TV in slow motion. It looked like she was going to get her hand down and right herself, but then it just didn't happen and down she went. Not a bad fall or anything, but if you know Kelly at all, you know that not catching the ball bothered her worse than the fall. Abbie ran out there and tried to help her up and asked if she was ok and Kelly pulled her to the ground and rolled around with her for a few seconds. She got up quick though when Graham ran for his phone and started yelling “Stay down for a sec, Stay there!”

After the game was over, we went up to Grandma's for dinner and it was quite the feast. My Aunt Sue and Uncle Jerry and our cousin Daniel came for dinner and Daniel's son Dillon was there too.

Graham and Clay went back to mom's to hide the plastic eggs which were filled with all manner of unhealthy goodies and soon the hunt was on. It was so much fun watching the kids find the eggs, especially when they thought they had found a well-hidden one. I have no idea whether or not they all got found or not, but whatever they didn't find, I'm sure the lawn mower will discover later this summer.

After the egg hunt, we went over to where the pinata was hanging. It was a big easter egg and it was packed completely full of stuff. We let Dillon go first and gave him one of the bats we used in the wiffleball game. He whiffed on his first swing, so we let him go again. He took his cut and split the egg completely in half, spilling all the contents on the blanket laid out underneath. I thought that the other kids would be mad that they didn't get to hit it, but instead, there was just a loud noise of excitement as they all rushed forward to get the prizes.

After cleaning things up, everyone started getting their things together preparing to leave and go home. Our drive home was long, but uneventful and after dropping the kids off at their mom's house, Kelly and I came home and just sat on the couch for a little while before going to bed.

I don't mean to make out like our Easter is so much more special than anyone else's, but this year was kind of a big deal for me. The arrangement that my ex-wife and I have for holidays is that I have the kids for Thanksgiving and she has them for Easter. Due to my radiation and chemo treatments, I asked Liz to take them for Thanksgiving last year and she agreed so I asked if I could have them for Easter this year, so it was kind of a rare occurance for them to be there with the rest of my family for Easter.

During this whole process, I have discovered that there are days that are wins and days that you wish you could just give back and say “I don't want this day again.” Sunday was a win.

I Will Win

Just the facts ma'am

Today I took the third treatment of the eight that I'm supposed to have. Things seem to be going ok so far as we just got home from St. Ignace and I'm feeling good. I'm looking forward to Thursday now because that's when I get the pump off and I'm on a week and a half break until the halfway point on that following Tuesday.

This post, I think, is going to be more of an informative one than anything, so if you're looking forward to some deep thoughts self actualization, this probably isn't going to be your cup of tea. If something strikes me while I'm writing all of my informative stuff down though, I'll be sure and include it.

I did something dumb last night. I drove out to work and got inside and looked at the schedule. We get a manning sheet every night which tells us where we are all working. I wasn't on ours last night. I realized this at about the same time as one of my supervisors did and he asked me why I was there. I told him that I wasn't on RDO (regular day off) so I figured I'd better show up. He laughed at me and pointed out that I was on annual leave. We tried to give my night off away to anyone who might want to go home, but once people get out there, most of them would just rather just work their eight hours and go home after. So I got to walk back out to my car and drive back home and go to bed.

My daughter Callie plays her first game this weekend in the Superior Dome in Marquette. They play three games and it doesn't look like I'm going to get to see any of them. And just for the record, I don't like it one bit. One of the other parents has offered to tape games for me so I'm going to ask if that offer's still good. Hopefully it is, but I'd definitely still rather be there in person. You can't yell at an umpire watching the game on tape.

Also regarding Callie, her team is putting on a spaghetti dinner on Wednesday night at the Christopher Columbus Hall as part of their fundraising effort for the season. If you'd like to go, it runs from 5-7 pm and there are take-out orders available. Dinners cost $8 per adult and $4 for kids under 12. I think kids under 2 eat for free. I know it's a long way to drive for some of you just for a spaghetti dinner, but if you live in town, come out and get some spaghetti. You know the CC Hall makes good spag.

I've been hooked on the game Family Feud on the Kindle lately and for the life of me, I can't figure out why. It always says that they surveyed 100 people and the top answers are on the board. After looking at some of the answers that the game puts up there, I think what they meant to say is that here are the answers that no more than one person came up with. I get so mad playing that game, and yet I find myself playing it every single day.

I'm bummed that Walking Dead season is over, but the show that AMC has on right now in that time slot is pretty good. It's called TURN, and it's about the American Revolution and America's first spy ring inside British intelligence. I've seen the first one and have the second one digitally recorded and plan on watching it today or tonight.

So there it is, no deep thoughts or anything, just some information.

I Will Win

Two months out

As of March 27th it's been two months since the surgery. Since then, a lot has happened. I have had a port put in, I have taken the first chemo treatment, and I have gone back to work.

I wasn't particularly excited about any of these three events, but unfortunately, they all seem necessary. The port and the chemo for obvious reasons, and the return to work for several different reasons.

A couple nights after I had gone back to work, I had to walk to the annex to turn in some paperwork and when I got there, the captain of my shift and two of my sergeants were sitting and talking in the sergeant's office. They all asked how I was doing and how the surgery went and we got into a small discussion about it. We started talking about other people who had been off for extended periods and had talked eagerly about coming back to work.

In some ways, I didn't want to go back. Not because I'm lazy or anything, but because I got to enjoy sharing a bed with Kelly and not having to leave every night. Sleeping like a normal person was another nice perk. On the other hand though, going back was nice in a couple ways. When you're off work for as long as I was, you start to feel a bit useless. It's not like I could be at home just doing whatever I wanted. I had restrictions on how much I could lift and what I was allowed to do. It's no fun watching your wife go outside and pull snow off the roof or shovel the driveway while you sit inside.

Another nice thing about going back to work is that it gives a sense of returning to normalcy. It kind of gives the belief that even if you're not completely right yet, you're on the way. I talk about getting my life back all the time, simply meaning that I want to get back to the way things were before all this crap started. Being at work was the norm before my diagnosis, so going back to work makes it feel like I'm one step closer to “getting my life back.”

Tomorrow, I get the second chemo treatment, or as my wife said to me today, a quarter of the way done. As usual, she has found a way to put it into terms that makes it a little easier to take.

Throughout this blog, I have made mention of the fact that I have been lucky despite the diagnosis. Sometimes it's easy to forget that. I don't feel lucky when I know that I have a treatment coming up, or when I look in the mirror and see the bump on the left side of my chest where the port sits. I also don't feel lucky when I'm hooked up to the pump and everything that would normally require no effort or forethought, now requires me to have a plan for something as simple as getting out of bed to pee.

When I do forget though, I always seem to find a little reminder as to the fact that despite whatever troubles I might have, I am better off than a lot of people. Last week, my kids stayed with Kelly and I while their mom was out of town. I would get home from work and Kelly would have everyone up, dressed and fed. We would all pile in the car and I would drop the kids off at their respective schools and then take Kelly to work. On one stretch of road on the way to Kelly's work, there is a spot where there was a minor sink-hole last year. The hole has been filled, but the road is still dirt in that spot and it makes for a bumpy few feet. After taking that route twice, Kelly suggested an alternate route to avoid it. The morning that she suggested it was bitter cold. At the intersection where I would normally turn left to take Kelly, I went straight and it was there that I saw my reminder.

A man was pulling a sled with a small child in it across a parking lot. At least I think it was a small child. Like I said, it was bitterly cold that morning and all you could really see was a lump in the sled covered in blankets. The man was dressed in a coat, a winter hat and gloves and had the sled tied to him by a rope around his waist. Based on where they were, he had to have been heading to Lincoln School which was still a solid mile away. There was no snow in the parking lot that he was pulling the sled across so he was just dragging his child across the concrete. He was going to have to hurry because it was close to 8:00. And then even when he got to the school, he was going to have to turn around and walk back to his house only to return at 3:00 when school gets out and pull his child home.

It's been bothering me since we saw them walking that I didn't pull up and tell the man to get in the car so that we could take him at least to the school. Now that the kids are back at their mom's house, I no longer take that route to take Kelly to work. I have been thinking about making a detour though and seeing if I stumble across them again so that I can offer them a ride. I don't know whether the man would accept my offer, but the fact is he can neither accept nor decline unless I stop and ask.

Being lucky has a lot of different meanings, and I keep finding that I am only unlucky in one aspect of my life and it is fixable. Others have illnesses or situations that are not fixable. I am lucky.

I Will Win

The Bill, Technology issues, and a little extra

This post was supposed to be put up last night, but due to some technological issues, I'm just getting on here right now. So please adjust the days and tenses.

I have said a couple times in different posts that I've been lucky through this whole process. I know that it sounds ridiculous to say. I mean, saying I'm lucky and having cancer is akin to standing in front of a five-man firing squad and counting your blessings that one guy's gun isn't working properly.

But, like I explained, even though I have cancer, it has turned out to be a manageable, curable form of it and I've seen people who are way worse off than me. This has been an inconvenience and certainly not pleasant, but I'm pretty confident that I have a lot of time left on this earth, so yeah, I'm lucky.

I got another reminder of how lucky I am the other day in the mail. Kelly and I have been trying to watch our money, knowing that the bills are going to start rolling in. A major abdominal surgery, an osteomy, a 12-day hospital stay at one of the best facilities in the state, and every test known to man. Add to that the minor things like supplies and meals and you just know that you've got one whopper of a bill coming. We've gotten a couple already, but small ones, relatively speaking. I went out to get the mail a couple days ago and there was an envelope from Henry Ford Hospital. I figured that it was another radiology bill or something, but this turned out to be “the bill.”

As I looked it over, I was absolutely stunned. I knew it was going to be expensive, but even so, it floored me. The bill was 60 large. That's more than I make in a year. Right now, I'm sure as a reader, you're wondering where the word lucky comes into play here. When I looked at the portion of the bill that was not covered by insurance (the amount that we actually have to pay), it was $2,500. In my book that's pretty damn lucky. How many people go through what I have and even more and have to do it without insurance? Can you even imagine opening that envelope and seeing a $60,000 bill, knowing that it's all on you? I would burn that letter and move to a different country that doesn't extradite for lack of payment. (I don't know if any country would bring you back for that, but I'm sure that there might be a hit-man or two employed.)

I'm no expert on Obama Care by any stretch of the imagination, but I can't believe that someone who is forced to pick up that insurance plan would be in any position to pay for that. There should be a contingency plan for people battling life-threatening issues.

Tomorrow is the day that the chemo starts, so I am enjoying my last poison free afternoon by doing a whole lot of nothing. Actually that's not quite true. I have done a load of laundry and shaved. Needless to say, it's been a pretty full morning. I'm pacing myself for the rest of the afternoon.

Today is March 17^th, which means it's St. Patrick's Day, but more importantly, it means it's exactly two weeks until opening Day at Comerica Park. Looking out my window here in the Sault, it seems pretty hard to believe that there's going to be baseball played in this state in 14 days, but if they can make it work, I'm all for it. Once the season starts, time will be easier to measure for me. Eight treatments, four months, a little over halfway through the baseball season. Once it all gets started, hopefully the time will fly by.

I will post again in a couple days after I have an idea of how the treatments are going to go. Nervous but excited to get this stuff started so it can get over with.

I Will Win

What the heck, I guess this will be kind of a bonus night or for those of you who don't really like to read, I'm about to be a jerk. It's Tuesday night now and I've just sat through the first round of chemo. We had to be there at 10:20 in the morning and didn't end up getting out of there until 3:20. Not really anybody's fault, just lots of prep to be done and forms to be filled out. I suspect that the next time it won't take so long.

I was talking to my brother Clay tonight afterward and he asked what it was like so I told him. He laughed and said that for whatever reason he had imagined them pointing some big laser at my junk for about 10 minutes and then I was done. I suspect that this is retaliation for me teasing him about only working 4 hours per day at the radio station instead of the 12-14 that he actually puts in.

It's actually not too bad there. There's a big room with a nurses' station and 5 recliners with one in a private room. These are not ordinary recliners my friends. They have extra padding and they heat up and vibrate if you want them too. They also have TVs on long swinging arms that allow you to sit back in your chair and pull the TV right up to your face so you can watch it and not disturb anyone else in the room with loud volume. I also got lunch. They had a pretty decent menu there and I chose the chicken nuggets and fries. I also got a piece of pie. The meal was ok, although they were a little stingy with the ketchup and I don't know if I'll be ordering the pie again. The simple fact that there was food there was pretty cool though. I ended up sleeping in the chair a little bit and watching some pre-season baseball between the Yankees and the Red Sox.

I expected a tomb-like atmosphere with a room full of people getting chemo, but it was pretty much the opposite. There was a lot of banter between the nurses and patients and a lot of good natured insults. They left me pretty much alone as I was the resident rookie, but I doubt that will last. One of the patients came in and had a box of pink blow-pops that she was handing out. When was the last time that any of you had a blow-pop? It's been awhile I'll bet. I honestly didn't even know that they still made them. I got another blast from the past as we left town and stopped at one of the gas stations in St. Ignace. I didn't even know that stores were allowed to sell candy cigarettes anymore, but there they were.

So anyway, back to the process of the chemo. As a patient, you sit in the chair and take some anti-nausea medicine through the port, which was kind of weird. The port sits just under my left collar bone and when the nurse comes at you with the needle to stick in it, I kind of had the feeling that Nicholas Cage must have had in The Rock when he had to stick the big needle in his heart to counteract the effects of the chemicals. It was a little creepy, but as it turns out, I didn't feel a thing. Of course, I had my eyes closed and my head turned too, so I didn't see anything either.

Once the chemo delivery process starts, there is little to do but wait. Kelly didn't get to sit in a recliner, so I'm sure that the time went much more slowly for her. I had to get up to pee a couple times during the process and when I came out of the bathroom, I found her sitting in the recliner. I think everyone should be able to sit in one of those things, if only for a few minutes and preferably not getting chemo.

I am at home now and am still connected to the pump. I'll have it on until Thursday afternoon then I'll have a week off and we'll start over next Tuesday. One of these bitches down and seven more to go. I think it's gonna get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. By August, this is going to be nothing more than a story and a memory.

I Will Win

The Port

I have been debating long and hard about the pros and cons about taking round two of the chemotherapy. I took the first step toward actually going through with it yesterday by getting my port put in. I showed up at the hospital at 5:30 in the morning and got prepped for the procedure. I am told that having this port will make it way easier to administer the chemo treatments.

A couple of funny things happened during the prep process. The first is that my chest had to be shaved. Right now my chest looks like a big yard shared by two neighbors. The north neighbor is a meticulous groomer of his yard and mows regularly. The south neighbor does not own a mower and is more a fan of the “natural” look. Anyway, I think it's safe to say that my chest looks funny.

The other thing that happened was that when I got into the operating room I was slathered with iodine, and yes, I mean slathered. I now know what a pork roast feels like when it's getting barbequed. During the slathering process, I ended up with iodine all over my arms, shoulders, neck, and part of my face in addition to my chest. So to sum up, I am partially orange and partially hairless. I am not allowed to shower until tomorrow, so obviously, I have stayed out of the public eye today.

One thing that I wanted to talk about today is something that I read on facebook a couple days ago that was posted by Mike Llama. He talked about how hard it's been living without Gloria and how he is hesitant to talk about it because he thinks that people are tired of hearing about it. Cancer took Gloria just before Christmas.

I doubt that Mike reads this blog, but Mike if you do read it or if someone shares this with you, I just wanted to tell you that you don't need to grieve on anyone else's time but your own. I know that I've mentioned this before in various posts, but I lost my dad in a car accident when I was seven. Losing someone close to you doesn't just go away and you don't get over it all of a sudden. It takes a lot of time. After awhile, you may go an hour without thinking about your loss. Then, after awhile longer, you may go a whole morning or afternoon without thinking about her. There will probably never be an entire day when you go without thinking about her. I'll admit, there have been days that I haven't thought about my dad, but it's been nearly 40 years and I didn't have the same kind of relationship with him that you had with Gloria. I guess what I'm trying to say with all this is grieve at your own pace and if you want to talk about it, then talk about it. Talk to friends, or if it helps, maybe even start a blog about her. Thay way, people have the option to read if they want to and you always have an outlet. I know that mine has been a great outlet for my frustrations and a great way to confirm my beliefs about things when I'm having doubts.

Doubts like how this second round is going to go. There are several things about it that worry me, but the one that is weighing on me most right now is my job. I'm going back on the 21^st and I'm hoping that I'll be able to get through it. I know that there will be days when I'll feel terrible, maybe tired, maybe sick. I just don't know. The thing that really scares me though is the cold sensitivity thing because of where we live. No matter whether I'm able to work or not, there are still bills to be paid and groceries to be bought. I did pretty good with the first round though, and I'm hoping that round two goes as well as the first.

I started writing this on Tuesday and stopped. It's Wednesday now and I just got back from Walmart. It's cold today, but the sun is out. It's a beautiful day here except for the temperature. I took a few extra minutes outside because pretty soon, I won't be able to be outside any more than absolutely necessary. Another thing that I noticed was how many things felt cold while I was at the store. I walked past the popsicles that I like and thought about the things that were going to be off-limits. I won't be able to drink cold water, or even put my hand under the stream to feel if it's cold or the right temperature. I'll have to wear gloves most of the time and I've got to find some sort of ski mask for my walk in to work from the car to the main building and then from the main building to the housing unit that I work in.

The thing that bothers me most about all of this is the fact that I probably won't be able to watch my daughter Callie play softball as much as I want to. A lot of her games will be played in some pretty cold weather, and that's not good for me. I have coached her since she started playing t-ball and I love doing it. I'm going to miss that terribly this summer.

There are going to be some dark days ahead for me. I don't say that to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but reality is reality. There are days when I'm going to forget what I can't do and I'm going to pay for those slips. It will get better though. I will be able to do the things that I want to do again. I'll be able to drink what I want, touch what I want, and not have to worry about whether or not it's going to hurt. Oh yeah, and I'll be able to coach Callie again.

I Will Win

Treatment plan

Through this whole process, there have been a lot of ups and downs. This past Wednesday was a definite down. I went to the oncologist's office and got my chemotherapy plan and education session.

Listening to the possible effects of what I'm going to be getting scares me almost more than taking the chance of not taking it at all. Almost. I'm still going to take the treatment and hope that things go as well for me as they did with the first round. I took radiation and chemo and although there were moments that I was not at my best, it was not nearly as hard as I had anticipated.

This stuff sounds like a whole different ballgame though. I'm going to get three different fluids put in through a port that I get put in on Tuesday. I wish I could tell you the exact names of them, but I don't remember. I know the treatment as a whole is called FOLFOX 6. A lot of the potential side effects were the same as when I took the first round, but there is one that is causing me a lot of concern. I've talked to several different people about this, including one person who's had this treatment. I'm going to become sensitive to anything cold. I'm really glad that I don't live in a cold weather clima...wait a sec... Damn, I'm screwed there. I won't be able to touch, or drink or eat anything that's cold. I'm told that if anything cold touches the inside of my mouth it's going to feel like I stuck my tongue in a blender and my throat will probably spasm, making me feel like I'm choking. I see a lot of soup in my future. This is in addition to the usual promises of nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and mouth sores.

While I've said I'm going to take this treatment, I can also tell you without hesitation that if I didn't have other people to think about, I would not be taking it. I would be looking for another alternative or refusing it altogether. I will be getting a big reminder this weekend as to why I'm going to gut through this and come out on top. Tonight my stepson plays for a district basketball championship. My wife Kelly and I and probably my daughter Abbie and my stepdaughter Sydney will go the game together and root him on. Tomorrow, my son Andrew, my daughters Callie and Abbie and possibly Kelly will go to my grandmother's house to celebrate her 91^st birthday. My brothers and their wives and kids will be there as well as my mom and my aunt Kay. These people are the reasons that I will do this. They are the reasons that I'll get through it.

Last night, Kelly and I went to Pellston to watch the Brimley girls play for the regional championship against Posen (it also helped that I was being paid by The Evening News to cover the game). On the way home, we stopped at the truck stop in St. Ignace for dinner. It was just after 9 p.m., and the place was nearly deserted. I found myself listening to a guy sitting at the counter talking to the two waitresses. The more I listened to him talk, I found myself in a state of envy. He was talking about simple things and didn't seem like he was in any hurry and had no pressing concerns. Please don't misunderstand, I like my life the way it is just fine. But in that place, that moment, I longed for a life that seemed as uncomplicated as his seemed to me. No cancer, no treatment, no medical complications, and no stress regarding any of it.

I went to the restroom, and when I got back to the table, Kelly informed me that the guy had revealed that he was a truckdriver and had to leave for Grand Rapids in a few minutes, thus blowing my whole unhurried, uncomplicated life vision. But all the same, it was nice to envision for five minutes. By the way, the food at that truckstop is phenomenal.

Good luck to Shane and the rest of the Bays tonight. I can't tell you exactly how that will turn out, but one thing I can tell you for sure is this.

I Will Win

By the way, if anyone knows where I can get a heated throw blanket by tomorrow, please let me know because that's what my grandma wants for her birthday. I have been to Walmart, Kmart, and Big Lots and nobody has one.

Taking the bad with the good

I whole-heartedly believe in the old axiom that nobody is perfect. I personally believe that nobody is even close. We all have character flaws no matter how much we might like to believe otherwise. The reason that I mention this is because one of mine showed through bright and loud yesterday.

At my last visit to the oncologist, the doctor mentioned that there had been some talk in the oncology community recently that when someone's post-operative pathology report came back as good as mine did, the second round of chemotherapy might not be necessary. He was going to talk to some of his fellow oncologists and see if, in fact, the second treatment was necessary.

The character flaw of mine that came out was that I let hope overrule all probability. Deep down, I knew that it probably wasn't going to turn out that they would just decide to skip that second round, but even knowing it was a possibility sent my hopes and then my expectations through the roof.

Yesterday, I got a call from the oncologist, telling me that they were going to do the second round. I was devastated despite knowing all along that it was about 95-5 odds that this was exactly how it was going to go. This is how I am though. When I buy a lottery ticket, I expect to win. I'm disappointed when I don't. I've heard the statistic that the odds of winning are just about the same as being attacked by a polar and a grizzly bear on the same day, and still, I expect to scan that ticket at the store and find out I've won.

So I think we've established that I was disappointed. I sat down on the recliner downstairs and stared at the wall for about an hour, thinking about what that phone call meant. It means that I have to have a port put in and taken out, which is two more surgeries than I wanted. It means that I start chemotherapy on March 18^th and won't finish until June 24 (if my calculations are correct). That means that the earliest I can have the osteomy removed is the end of July. So for a good portion of the summer, I'm going to look like the medical version of the bionic man. I'll have the bag, the port, and a pump all attached to me. And the bionic man is a bad example. I think the borg would be more appropriate. I think the words “resistance is futile” actually left my lips as I stared into space while I was busy feeling sorry for myself.

I called my wife and gave her the news and she told me to come and get her for lunch. I did and we sat down at a local restaurant and had a bite to eat talked through it. I was a little surprised because the news sort of hit her hard too. She is usually the one who looks at things without being swayed by the kind of optimism that I was feeling before the phone call, but talking to her, I realized that I wasn't the only one who had been feeling it.

The bottom line is that we talked ourselves through it and it's just one more thing that we have to deal with to get this stuff resolved. Whatever it takes for me to hear the words “cancer free,” that's what I'm going to do. The way I look at is I've got to everything that I can do. If for whatever reason, the cancer decides it wants a rematch, I want it to happen knowing that I did everything I could do to prevent it and it just happened. I don't want it to happen, and leave myself wondering “would this have happened if I had done this” or “if I hadn't done that.” This way, I can be sure that I've followed all the protocalls and won't have to wonder. Hopefully, I never have to deal with it anyway.

Today was a much better day. The Sault cancelled school because of the windchill and so I took the kids to lunch. We ended up eating at Buffalo Wild Wings and had a good time. After that, we ran an errand and picked up an iTunes gift card that my son Andrew had won and then Abbie has been interested in getting a library card so we went to the library and took care of that. I really enjoyed watching her look through the books that were now available to her and she picked three of them to borrow. Callie found this display that was “blind date” with a book The book covers were all hidden beneath paper covers with the only writing visible told what kind of book it was. Callie liked the idea and ended getting a library card of her own and borrowing two of the blind date books.

It's days like today that make days like yesterday not so bad. In the future, hopefully there will be a lot more days like today and very few days like yesterday. Not just for me, but for everyone.

I Will Win