Battered Pitcher Seeks Help

The following is something that I wrote a while ago. Two years ago to be exact. I was doing some writing for EUPNews.com at the time and this was originally published there. I am posting it on my blog for the simple reason that I just noticed it on my desktop and when I opened it and read it, it made me laugh. It is aptly titled, Battered Pitcher Seeks Help.

Over the past several weeks my five-year old daughter Abigael and I have engaged in a series of wiffleball games in our front yard. I have tried to teach her how to stand at the plate, how to hold the bat, and how to keep her eye on the ball. I don't want to talk myself up too much, but I must be a very good teacher as I've lost every one of our matchups.

I do have some theories on my losing streak however.

1- I am never allowed to bat. My offensive output in these games is nonexistent as I'm sure you can imagine. I have appealed to the rules committee several times regarding this matter, but my wife (who fancies herself the head of said committee), has continually rejected my appeals with rulings of "shut up and pitch."

2- There are no strikes. Every pitch I throw is either a hit or a bad pitch. My earned run average in these games is just over eleventy-million and Abbie's batting average is 1.000, or perfect for those who don't know the lingo.

3. My daughter is involved in some sort of massive conspiracy against me that reaches the highest levels of government. I realize that this may sound like paranoia at its finest, but when you add to the wiffleball beatings the fact that my record in board games is every bit as bad against her as my record on the field, I think it's easy to read the writing on the wall. I mean, how many times can the kid draw the Abuela card in Dora Candyland? I should have her pick my lottery numbers.

Ok, maybe the conspiracy theory is a bit much, but I still say there's more to this losing streak than meets the eye.

Adding to my problem is the fact that she's actually getting pretty good. She can hit (when I'm not throwing "bad pitches," obviously), and I have discovered that she is ambidextrous when throwing a ball. So, if I ever do get to bat, that's just one more advantage that she has on me.

For now, I guess I'll just keep on pitching and wait for a ruling on my latest appeal.

Oh wait, here it is right now.

As I expected.

"Shut up and pitch Scott Church, Shut up and pitch."

*sigh* Maybe next game.

Abbie is seven now and my situation has not improved. My appeals are not even being heard anymore and Abbie is hitting better than ever. We're going to switch over to actual softballs this summer so my physical well-being may actually be in jeopardy. And of course, I still am not allowed to hit.

This is a battle I will lose every time, but as for the other one,

I Will Win