At my last visit to the oncologist, the doctor mentioned that there had been some talk in the oncology community recently that when someone's post-operative pathology report came back as good as mine did, the second round of chemotherapy might not be necessary. He was going to talk to some of his fellow oncologists and see if, in fact, the second treatment was necessary.
The character flaw of mine that came out was that I let hope overrule all probability. Deep down, I knew that it probably wasn't going to turn out that they would just decide to skip that second round, but even knowing it was a possibility sent my hopes and then my expectations through the roof.
Yesterday, I got a call from the oncologist, telling me that they were going to do the second round. I was devastated despite knowing all along that it was about 95-5 odds that this was exactly how it was going to go. This is how I am though. When I buy a lottery ticket, I expect to win. I'm disappointed when I don't. I've heard the statistic that the odds of winning are just about the same as being attacked by a polar and a grizzly bear on the same day, and still, I expect to scan that ticket at the store and find out I've won.
So I think we've established that I was disappointed. I sat down on the recliner downstairs and stared at the wall for about an hour, thinking about what that phone call meant. It means that I have to have a port put in and taken out, which is two more surgeries than I wanted. It means that I start chemotherapy on March 18th and won't finish until June 24 (if my calculations are correct). That means that the earliest I can have the osteomy removed is the end of July. So for a good portion of the summer, I'm going to look like the medical version of the bionic man. I'll have the bag, the port, and a pump all attached to me. And the bionic man is a bad example. I think the borg would be more appropriate. I think the words “resistance is futile” actually left my lips as I stared into space while I was busy feeling sorry for myself.
I called my wife and gave her the news and she told me to come and get her for lunch. I did and we sat down at a local restaurant and had a bite to eat talked through it. I was a little surprised because the news sort of hit her hard too. She is usually the one who looks at things without being swayed by the kind of optimism that I was feeling before the phone call, but talking to her, I realized that I wasn't the only one who had been feeling it.
The bottom line is that we talked ourselves through it and it's just one more thing that we have to deal with to get this stuff resolved. Whatever it takes for me to hear the words “cancer free,” that's what I'm going to do. The way I look at is I've got to everything that I can do. If for whatever reason, the cancer decides it wants a rematch, I want it to happen knowing that I did everything I could do to prevent it and it just happened. I don't want it to happen, and leave myself wondering “would this have happened if I had done this” or “if I hadn't done that.” This way, I can be sure that I've followed all the protocalls and won't have to wonder. Hopefully, I never have to deal with it anyway.
Today was a much better day. The Sault cancelled school because of the windchill and so I took the kids to lunch. We ended up eating at Buffalo Wild Wings and had a good time. After that, we ran an errand and picked up an iTunes gift card that my son Andrew had won and then Abbie has been interested in getting a library card so we went to the library and took care of that. I really enjoyed watching her look through the books that were now available to her and she picked three of them to borrow. Callie found this display that was “blind date” with a book The book covers were all hidden beneath paper covers with the only writing visible told what kind of book it was. Callie liked the idea and ended getting a library card of her own and borrowing two of the blind date books.
It's days like today that make days like yesterday not so bad. In the future, hopefully there will be a lot more days like today and very few days like yesterday. Not just for me, but for everyone.
I Will Win
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